The other day I was playing with some puppies (already a blessing, tbh) when I was overcome with gratitude and adoration for God. I was trying to do something else, but these puppies kept wanting to play. Ignoring everything else, they were jumping at my side and trying to get my attention, successfully I might add. I started thinking to myself, why are they so attached to me? Why have they chosen me to show their love to and receive love from? And so because they were there, and they needed me, and they wanted me, I bent down to play. One of the most beautiful depictions of the Father's love is Psalm 116:2 - Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath. And in that moment of bending over to play, I received the slightest glimpse into the love of God. In that moment of feeling so much love for these puppies that, though I had other things I was trying to accomplish, I bent down to play - I began to understand the great love that God has for me; for us. God, the creator of the universe, not only hears my prayers - He bends down to listen to them. He sees me needing Him, He sees me wanting His attention, and even though He has a universe to take care of and stars to number and miracles to perform, He bends down for me. And as He draws near to me, I draw ever nearer to Him. He hears me crying, or stressed, or angry, or happy and thankful, and He bends down to listen to me, to tell me "I am here." His heart replies to me with an "I hear you," "I care about you," "you are loved." I am thankful for puppies and the opportunity to play with them. I am thankful for the chance to feel a tangible, unconditional love and the need of another being for your attention and care. I am thankful for that because they bring so much joy to the world, but also because they show me just slightest insight to how great of God we have that loves us and cares for us. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath. And I will do so in gratitude for a great God that listens.
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I've learned that you need to take people at face value; that the way they act is a direct reflection of the way they feel. Truly, we owe it to ourselves.
If someone is not making you a priority in their life, then you are not one. Of course, the opposite is true as well; when someone is trying to show you they love you- believe them, let them. We quickly make excuses for people who treat us poorly because accepting what we know to be true would hurt. We rationalize their behavior, and in doing so, we accept less than we deserve. We devalue ourselves when we let others devalue us. We were made with great value by a perfect God - a God who created the world and thought it needed one of us. We were made to be cherished, loved and celebrated. We owe it to ourselves to stop accepting less than we were made to. When love shows up, though, we owe it to ourselves to let it in. Often times when love and kindness come our way, we run scared. Suddenly we doubt ourselves, internalizing the lie that we are not worthy of affection and compassion, that we are not good enough. This is the greatest thief of joy we can possibly face. As humans, as Christians, and brothers and sisters, we were made for each other. We were made to be in community with one another, lifting one another up, letting others lift us up. We were made for friendship, and companionship, and coffee dates. We were made to be deeply loved. And we were made to deeply love back. If we fill our hearts and our lives and our time with anything less than real love, then there is no space for it when it shows up. We were made for laughs and tears and hugs and high fives. We were made for movie nights, and service projects, and worship. We were made to show God's love through the love we give others, to represent Christ in our unity with other human beings. So, spend time with those who treat you right. Love and let go of those that don't. Invest in quality relationships. Stop making excuses for others' poor behavior towards you, and stop pushing away the ones trying to draw close. Build a kingdom of love in your life, in your community, in your world. This is what we were made for. Hey girl, I know it's early and you'd rather be sleeping. And I know your heart is keeping you awake. The gray morning light coming through your window, the sound of the rain hitting the roof, the early Spring chirping of the birds - the world is peaceful; but I know your heart is not. I know that it's been tough lately, and I know you may not even be able to explain why. But it hurts, and I'm here to tell you that's okay. Spring is the time of new life, right? The flowers start blooming, the baby animals are born, the sun comes back out - it is the season that makes us new. But it is also the season that grows us. Nothing grows in Winter, few things grow in Summer, but Spring - we all grow in Spring. We've all heard it before, right? April Showers Bring May Flowers. Well, yeah, it's still March but the sentiment stands. It's true for nature, and, my beautiful Sunflower, it's true for you too. I've been thinking about pain quite a bit lately. I keep getting myself into these situations full of disappointment. And, well, it's disappointing. It's uncomfortable. It's painful. But is it necessary? My deepest prayer is that one day this cycle will end, but today is not that day, as I sit here drinking coffee and watching the rain while the world sleeps, feeling the cloudy day in my soul.. Sweet Daisy, one day your storms will end - a truth revealed to us by God Himself. But today is not that day, and that's okay. Today, feel your storm. Feel the rain in your heart, but try to feel the rain on your skin too. Because, my Capable and Kind Tulip, showers always bring flowers. Nothing in nature grows without being watered, and neither can we. Perhaps instead of fighting our storms, we shift our gaze up to the clouds, to the One who is making it rain. Because it's not the boy that broke your heart making it rain, it's not the thoughts you can't get out of your head or the friend you thought you could trust. They may be the ones that brought the clouds in, but it is your Loving and Heavenly Father that is making it rain. And it is He who will stop the rain. And it is He that will bring the growth. Let yourself be nourished by the rain, and renewed by the clouds. Smell the clean air and appreciate the flowers already blooming. You will too, very soon. Showers, my friend, always bring flowers. I used to think when I got older I would stop making so many mistakes. I thought I would know the right thing to do... and then I would do it. I've learned, however, that is not true. I've also learned the importance of surrounding myself with friends that do not support me unconditionally.
Growing up, I always looked for friends that always told me I was doing the right thing, that I was not in the wrong. I see now, though, that what I was looking for wasn't friends. I was looking for cheerleaders. Time passed, we all grew up, and I have been abundantly blessed to have many of those same friends. I am also abundantly blessed that they are no longer my cheerleaders. Let's be clear - they love me deeply, and I them. I will always love my friends, through the worst decisions and the best and they have proven that they will also love me through mine. But it wasn't until college that I learned that loving someone does not mean blindly agreeing with them. Love does not always sound like, "It's okay." Instead, I think it often sounds like "No, it's not okay." It's not okay that you're doing that to yourself. It's not okay that you're doing that to someone else. And actually, to be bold, I would say that if it doesn't sometimes sound like "It's not okay," then it isn't love at all. People who love you shouldn't want to see you making bad choices. They should want to see you grow into the person God made you to be, and sometimes that means gently (or not so gently) pointing you in the right direction. For years, I would get angry with my friends that called me out. I still do, sometimes. I get defensive - especially when I know they're right. And now when I look back, I see just how instrumental their loving guidance was. The truth is, when you're standing in the eye of the hurricane it can be hard to see the damage of the storm. When it's your reality, it's what you know. The people you surround yourself with, though, can see the damage. They see the winds and the rain and the broken building that is your heart; they see the potential for lasting damage if things don't change. They are watching it unfold, and when they do not unconditionally support you, they are bringing in the aid to get you through it. So, let's call each other out when we see each other making bad decisions. Let's call our friends out when what they're doing is harmful to their heart. Let's not sit idly by as our loved ones dig themselves into a deeper hole, a bigger mess because they can't see it. Let's bring the umbrella and gently guide them out of the hurricane. We may get wet from the storm in the process, but for our loved ones, let us please be brave enough to say, "It's not okay, but I still love you." I am so very grateful my friends are not my cheerleaders; they are so much more than that - they are my guideposts. I've always felt a lot of pressure to be perfect - to say the right thing, to do the right thing... as if God's glory deoended on me, depended on my perfect choices. Because of this, when I mess up, when I say things I shouldn't, when I get caught up in situations a "good Christian" should not get caught up in, it can be crushing ... especially when grace feels nowhere to be found.
I always preach about giving others grace to grow, but seem to have forgotten a few things: 1. I, too, need grace to grow. 2. I already have that grace, even when I cannot find it in the people around me. 3. If I had to earn it, it would not be grace. My lack of grace for myself became apparent in the face of some very painful rejections, and has been eating at my heart since. When faced with this rejection, suddenly all I could hear was this: "You are not ------ enough." Day in and day out. Not good enough. Not nice enough. Not worth enough. Not Christian enough. When all I valued about myself no longer seemed enough, I lost my sense of self; too easily swayed, not rooted in God's steadfastness. And so, I did what anyone would do: I tried to earn that grace and approval I needed, and when that did not work, I tried to pretend I did not care. Months of back and forth followed. Between frequently asking my sweet and patient friend if she thought I was "a good Christian" (thank GOD for girlfriends!) And doing insincere but Christ-like acts of service, to simply giving up and giving in to choices on the opposite side of the spectrum, my heart was, and is, exhausted. But here is the thing, grace and worth found in flawed humans will never be enough... but you do not need it. One time before I did my "good Christian deed of the day," my sweet and patient friend called me out. She said, "don't do this just to prove you are a Christian, we all already know you are." I did it anyway. It did not make me feel any better. It did not bring the grace I was looking for, and it did not silence the voice in my head replaying my mistakes and telling me I am not who I thought I was. My friend was right - I did not need to do my deed to show my faith, because my faith is who I am... it is intrinsic to me. Bob Goff once wrote, "when we are more concerned with what our faith looks like than what it is, it is no longer faith. It is theatre." And I am so grateful that God does not show up for my show. He does not sit in the front row, buy me flowers and applaud me for a job well done. He does not like my show, and He does not need to come to see what I am trying to prove I am - He already knows who I am. Through Jesus, He gave me grace, "a new life" (See: Romans), in which I am called to walk boldly and "live in the freedom of God." It is not a freedom to do whatever I want, but a freedom to mess up sometimes and still receive "aggressive forgiveness." A freedom to still feel worth in the face of worldly rejection. A freedom to live and swim in a sea of endless love. Last week I asked God to show up. I asked Him to knock down the boxes I had put Him in. Every day those prayers have been answered.
For months I had been praying God into boxes. Imagine that - the Lord that created the universe, that counts the stars, that has known me since before I was born; He graciously let me try to put Him in boxes over and over again, and even more graciously (and sometimes painfully) tore them down. In this season of my life, I have looked to God every day. I start my mornings talking to Him, and seek His face throughout the entire day... and still my life was not working out the way I expected it to. "Why has God forgotten me?" is a question I asked more than once, completely discouraged and feeling more distant than ever from God. Only recently did I painfully realize that God had not forgotten me, instead, I'd forgotten Him. I asked, "God, please provide______" or "God, I really need______" or "God, Your will be done, but please let ______ be Your will." All along, I had forgotten His character, His promise, His love - I had forgotten that He has provided all I need because He is all I need; I had forgotten that His will is to love and bless me through His glory - making all things work together for my good. So when I asked God to provide *insert job - person - city - tangible item here*, I prayed Him into the box I thought was what I needed. When He didn't provide *job - person - city - tangible item*, suddenly my box wasn't filled, suddenly I assumed He had forgotten me, suddenly I assumed He was not listening to me, that He didn't care enough about me to give me what I "need" (see: want). But... those were all lies. Through grace, His word, fellowship with others, and the Holy Spirit, God showed me where I was wrong, reminded me of His beautiful promises that disputed all the lies Satan had been filling my head with to get me away from trusting God. My heart was changing... and suddenly so were my prayers. My prayers shifted from boxing God to asking Him to tear them down. Instead of telling God what I need, I accepted that He is all I need. Instead of asking for the plan I made to come to fruition, I asked for His to. Simply, every morning, I asked God to show up. Every morning I've asked Him to show up, He has. He has shown up for the people around me. He has shown up in my city. He has shown up in my life through provision. He has shown up in my life through removals. It's not that things in my life actually changed all that much - my perspective did. Once my perspective did, my life did. I was open to blessings I didn't expect, opportunities I never would have pursued. I was grateful for the small and big things happening that I wouldn't have noticed because they didn't fit in my boxes. I was understanding and flexible when the plans I made fell through - big plans and small plans. My heart changed from, "God you didn't get me what I want, I don't trust You anymore..." to "God, I don't understand, but I trust You." Through my days in big and small ways He showed me He's there, always. When my heart learned that, my life opened to joy and peace I hadn't been experiencing when I was expecting God to act the way I asked Him to. He hasn't let me down. Life has, people have, I have let myself down... but He keeps showing up, and I know He always will. "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of age." Matthew 28:20 This morning I woke up with one message on my heart: there is power in prayer and persistence.
I made a mental note of it then zombie-walked downstairs to get my morning coffee. The coffee had not yet kicked-in when I began my morning bible study, but in an attempt to be more studious and intentional in my reading of the bible, I prayed that God reveal Himself to me and teach me what He wants me to know now. Unsure where to start today, I decided to pick up where I left in the book of Matthew, my personal favorite gospel. Still in my sleepy haze, I read the beginning of chapter 4 - the tempting of Jesus in the desert. A story I had heard a million times before, I admittedly glazed over it. But as the coffee kicked in, the story provoked a mental double-take, prompting a second... then a third... and then a fourth reading. Only a few verses long, it is undoubtedly one of the most vivid pictures of Jesus as both God and man in the bible. The synopsis: Jesus is in the desert, tired and hungry (He had fasted for 40 days), and the devil decides to tempt Him. Of course, Jesus knew this was coming so he intentionally fasted and prepared. The devil tries to tempt Him three times - with food, with demonstration of God's power, and with the promise of a worldly power and authority. Of course, Jesus being sinless, refused all three temptations and rebuked the devil. Just a wonderful story in itself, a few things specifically stuck out to me in today's reading. 1) Prayer. Jesus fasted to prepare for the trials He knew were coming. Fasting is often a time of prayer for those seeking to hear God and draw nearer to Him and was surely a time in which Jesus communicated with the Father - relying on His strength to fill Him. Even Jesus believed in the power of prayer. 2) Persistence. Upon each temptation, Jesus did not waver. All three times, in fact, He had scripture to rely on and draw from to aid in His resistance, knowing the devil is no match for the perfect Word of God. Surely Jesus was annoyed with this whole situation, but He never gave up. It would have been easy for Him to demonstrate His power and end the whole ordeal, but knowing that is not what God intended, He was persistently obedient. 3) Faithfulness. After all three temptations were refused, the devil left Jesus and angels came to fulfill His needs. The Father was faithful to the one who kept His commands. There are prayers I have had answered, and many I have not. I don't know what it is in your life that feels like it will never end or come, but I do know what God says - prayer and persistence. God may not answer your prayer for a specific something (person, job, object, house, etc.) but when our prayers are aligned to His will (for Him to be glorified, for His kingdom to expand, for His love to be on display) and rooted in His promises (hope, a future, prosperity not perishing, to be satisfied) He always hears us, and He does not want us to stop working. He is faithful to answer our prayers and fulfill His promises in His perfect timing. The Lord has displayed His power in my life through His answering of prayers, which only encourages me to pray more - to pray persistently, consistently, and intentionally. He has worked through me to reach other people - encouragement to love persistently, consistently, and intentionally. He has demonstrated His sovereignty in harmful situations in my life and people I have served - thus I will continue to serve persistently, consistently, and intentionally. This story shows us that when we are obedient, God is faithful. We can follow Jesus' lead in our walks with God - knowing our scripture so we have guidance, making intentional efforts to draw near to God, and to not give up when trials come our way. This story reassures us that God is always victorious, and when we are obedient, He is always glorified. Last night I lied to God. I do it frequently. I am not proud of it, but I am human, and I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it because I think we all do it. I want to talk about it because His grace is so good; it covers us completely. I consider myself a fairly honest person. Little white lies here and there come out of my mouth to make a story sound more exciting or to avoid conflict in conversation - harmless, I thought. But last night my heart was revealed to me; last night my heart was caught in a lie. Last night I lied to God. This morning, He told me to stop playing games. This morning, He revealed His grace to me. In prayer before I fell asleep last night I told God that I didn't want to do something - in fact, I said "I don't want to do it, but I will if you want me to." Immediately after I prayed it, I knew I had lied. Truth is, I kinda do want to do it. I shouldn't want to, but for self-serving purposes, I do. I said I didn't want to (but I will!) because it made me seem better - more obedient. I didn't even get through my next sentence before I was so embarrassed - I was embarrassed that I tried to lie to the God that knows every inch of my heart; I was embarrassed that I long so deeply to seem so worthy of His grace when He has already given it freely; I was embarrassed that I was so focused on myself that I put my selfish desires before the desires of my God. Discouraged with myself, I ended my prayer with an apology and fell asleep (only to dream stressful dreams about that particular thing I said I didn't want to do). After making coffee this morning, I sat down for my morning bible-study time. Currently, I am following a plan in which I read about and reflect on different parts of Jesus' life. Today's passage was the Last Supper as presented in two different Gospels. The first I read was Matthew. In Matthew's account of this happening, He speaks of Jesus addressing His disciples and telling them that one will betray Him. Judas addresses Jesus, knowing full-well in his heart that he is the one that will turn Him in to His death, saying "Surely it isn't me, Rabbi!" That night, Judas lied to God. Jesus, in His full authority, looked at Judas and responded, "Stop playing games." Ouch. I read that interaction and prayed for immediate forgiveness for the games I have been playing with God. To see myself in Judas was a harsh awakening, and it broke my heart. The next account I read of the Last Supper was John's. While the last passage convicted, this one covered me in grace. Also at this supper, Jesus washed His disciple's feet - a gesture generally done to honor those higher than self. When He did this, Peter naturally objected. This was his Rabbi! Jesus continued, explaining to Peter that He is making him clean and holy so he may join in on Jesus' work. "My concern, you understand, is holiness, not hygiene," (13:10 - 12). Jesus willingly lowered Himself to make His followers clean. Jesus humbly showed those who love Him that they too can be holy and do good work - and Peter enthusiastically received this gift. This morning, like most other mornings, I did too. His grace overwhelmed me. Though a flawed human, He chose me as He chose them and He chooses you. Knowing we could never be clean and holy without His help, He washes our feet. We can't fool the God who knows every meditation of our hearts. The good news is, we don't have to. Through His grace He makes us clean - in His love, He makes us holy. "Since we were children, we were taught the meaning of "no." As we got older, we started to understand the reason behind "no." We understood that, when we wanted something/to do something/to go somewhere and our parents said no, though it seemed unfair, it was for the better. Our parents said no when what we wanted would hurt us, or put us in an unsafe situation, or take us away from something better they knew was coming. God does this too. He will not give us all that we want because He loves us. Though it hurts at the time, we accept it and we move on. Things get a little messier when God's answer doesn't feel like "no", but maybe "not yet". The "not yet" limbo is messy for a handful of reasons: 1. Maybe you're wrong - maybe it is a no. 2. But you don't want to be wrong, so maybe hold on to hope? 3. Your heart is broken, you long for closure, but there is none....yet. I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about timing. Timing for things in my life and timing for others. I've spent a lot of time praying for direction, and praying God will change His mind. Though I firmly believe that our prayers matter to God, and He is open to what we want and longs to give us good gifts because He loves us (Matthew 7:7), ultimately His plan will prevail (Proverbs 19:21). His plan is full of good gifts (Jeremiah 29:11), all given in perfect timing (Ecclesiastes 3:1). These are truths, but they are hard to swallow. They are hard to swallow when we think we know best. They are hard to accept when our hearts long for something deeply, when we pray for it, when we prepare our hearts to receive it and it doesn't come. They are hard to grasp when you were so sure it was what the Lord wanted, but now you are second guessing yourself because it isn't working out the way you wanted it to. It is hard to accept when God says "no," and it is harder to accept when the "no" does not feel firm. When you're praying and crying out "God, I thought this is what you wanted." When you respond to God's call and yet there is no reward. When you know God has nudged you to do something, to say something, to go somewhere, but it only brings you to heartache. When you have listened to God and bravely responded but the outcome is not what you expected. That's where the "not yet" comes in. God says no when things are wrong for us, but He does not lead us to things that are wrong for us. When he guides us to a season in life, it is for our good even if it doesn't feel good. The problem is, though, the good He has for us may not be the good we wanted. Maybe God was teaching you to be brave? Maybe God was teaching you to hear His voice and trust Him? Maybe He has brought you to a season of full dependence, or a season where you learn to let go, or a season where you learn His plan is always greater? Or maybe, just maybe, the good gift you wanted is coming.... just not yet. So what do we do when we feel the "not yet" but we are living the "no"? Since we cannot read God's mind or see the future, I think we need to live as if the answer is no. But I think we need to do so prayerfully. What do we do when we feel the "not yet" but we are living the "no"? It's good to hope. It's necessary to believe in what you pray for. But it is also vital to surrender. I recently wrote on the courage it takes to wait, but here I want to bring up the courage it takes to let go. Letting go is hard when you were sure you were on the right path. Letting go is hard when your heart was set on something. Letting go is hard when you don't understand why you were brought there in the first place. Letting go is hard.... when you don't want to; when you think maybe you shouldn't. Hope in your heart, but surrender your life. We cannot live our days missing out on what God has brought us at this time because we are waiting for what He may bring us in the future. We can stay open to the gift we wanted, but we have to also stay open to the gift looking differently than we thought it would. Pray for what you want. Pray for guidance and clarity and strength. Pray for God to act. But live in what He has brought you to. Pray for the balance to ask God for what you want, but to accept if now is not the right time, and to accept if it will never be the right time. We can't see the future. We can't know what is going to happen. We only know what is happening. And we know we have a good Father that loves us and wants good things for us - a Father who knows the future because He holds the future. A Father that does not want to break our hearts, but delights in our joy. Be open to the joy coming in a way you weren't expecting. Be open to saying no to what you thought was coming so that you can be ready to say yes to what actually is. Through it all, daily dependence, daily prayer, daily obedience. When we show up ready to listen to God, He speaks. It takes strength to wait, strength to let go, and wisdom to know which to do - pray for this wisdom, and pray for the courage to respond the way God has called, knowing that His plan is perfect, and His timing is perfect, and His love is perfect. I think one of the biggest myths we face as Christians is that if God brings you to a big decision, a big change, a big life event, you will have peace about it. That's simply not true, and it's definitely not biblical. Anyone who has made a big life change can tell you that there are always second thoughts, doubts, concerns... At times our choices may seem clear and you may be blessed with an overwhelming peace about it (and I pray this for you, friend) but 9 times out of 10, that isn't how it seems to go down. I have moved away from home twice now - to places very far away. These were decisions I knew would permanently change my life and would temporarily shift everything I knew. I have ended a relationship I thought would last forever because I felt God nudging me to, because it was not providing me with a life that glorified God. These were big choices I had to make, and even though I felt God's call in them, they still required tremendous amounts of courage. In fact, sometimes I fought The Nudge for months, other times I mourned the life I left behind, and still others I spontaneously burst into tears as I could feel my life changing completely - leaving behind people and places I love, and a future I had imagined for myself. After I made these decisions my heart required months (see: years) to heal, regrets reared their ugly head, and my faith was shaken. I asked myself, and now that I am on the verge of making yet another life-changing choice I ask myself again, If this is what God wants, shouldn't I have peace about it? Filled with guilt for "a lack-of-trust," and doubts of my ability to hear God's call, I turn to the Words I know are from God and the people He chose to tell them - our biblical heroes. Though I long to be like Mary, I find myself often like Moses. While Mary was quick to obey and accept God's call for her life, Moses was slightly more hesitant, and I love that he was. I love that God chose to use him anyways, because it means God chooses to use me anyways. When God spoke to Moses through a burning bush, Moses was afraid - and understandably so (can you even imagine)! He was afraid of God (Exodus 3:6), and he was afraid of what God was calling him to do - doubting himself, doubting God's choice to use him, and fearful of the outcome (Exodus 3:11-13). Sound familiar? I love one other thing about this story - I love the promise God makes Moses. While Moses was fearful and doubting, he asks God, "Why? What makes you think I can do this?" (Does this also sound familiar?). To that the Lord responds in the most beautiful of ways, "I will be with you." (Exodus 3:12) The God of the universe, the great I Am, promised a fearful human that He will be with Him. He makes this promise to us also. His story is not unique - his story is the story of countless others that made a big change in the bible, and his story is my story. His story is probably also your story. It's understandable to fear the future, to fear the consequences of your choice. It's even understandable to have some second thoughts and doubts - you don't need to feel guilty about that. Change is scary. Change is stressful. God knows that; He knows, and He listens. He longs to comfort you and remind you that He is worth the pain the change may cause. He longs to remind you that His plans are greater and His timing is perfect. He longs for you to trust Him. He longs to show His power in your life and use your obedience for His glory. We are human, He is God. Change is scary, and often painful, but He is good, perfect in all of His ways. If you fear change, be brave. Take comfort in those that have come before you that were also scared but had courage to change anyways. Look at stories like Moses, or Abraham who was willing to sacrifice his son but not without sadness - our biblical heroes. Go to God in prayer. Is this change what He wants for your life? Be brave if it is, and be brave if it isn't. Either way, His plan is perfect and His ways are good. |
AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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