Like many others, I live a life of abundance. Even on my worst days, I have food to eat, somewhere to sleep, and a family that can support me. My lowest times in life have been the result of broken relationships with others, a problem I am lucky to call my worst. Though I am incredibly aware of my privelige and blessings, though I am incredibly aware of the hardships of those surrounding me - much more serious than mine, I struggle to be content. Always wanting more, or finding (see: creating) a problem, or focusing on what I lack, my heart is constantly uneasy. As a result of such, I am unable to channel my resources into helping others, or clear my heart so that it may be filled with empathy, and love. How spoiled am I to have a problem such as this. I write about this a lot - the need for clarity and peace, because, as a Christian, I stuggle with this a lot. After months of losing sleep, repeating prayers, and fixation on my issues, I have been feeling defeated. For weeks, though, the Lord has been whispering to me, "I am enough," to which my heart responds, "Only You, Lord." *Note that I did not say here that the Lord has been telling me, "You are enough." He has not, because I am not. And while that may be a cause of stress for some, I am learning to be okay with this. In the book of Luke, Jesus tells us: "It's trouble ahead if you are satisfied with yourself, for your self will not satisfy you for long." (6:25 MSG). This, the Lord has been showing me, is my problem. For far too long I have been relying on myself, often pleased with my work, instead of on Him. Daily dependence, even in abundance - that is the lesson my heart is learning. Throughout various seasons of my life, God has been teaching me daily dependence on Him, often when things are going wrong. It is not difficults to depend on God in the lows of life. It is a different beast altogether to conquer dependence in the highs. Therein this train of thought lies the problem. ...the Lord has not been telling me, "You are enough." He has not, because I am not. God has been clear in his instruction to consistently call on Him. Alone, I cannot master this. When I have it all, I create problems so that I may again feel comfortable calling out to God for help. When the Lord creates for me a life of satisfied needs, I dwell on those that are not, so again I feel the dependence and closeness of God. Certainly, though, this is not what God intended. Instead He longs for us to live a life of seemingly contradictory principles - content, and dependent. Throughout the Bible He promises a life in which our desires are met, as we delight in His ways (Psalm 37:4, among others). Seeing as my desires never seem to fully met, it would appear we have a problem. There are 3 things that could be going on here. 1) God has gone back on His word. 2) God is still in the process of meeting my desires. 3) I have not yet learned to lean fully on Him, in both good times and in bad. Knowing the first to be untrue (See Matthew 28:20), I fully believe it is not one of the others, but a combination of the two. Yes, He is still working on meeting my desires, because He is teaching me to reprioritize what it is I long for. He is teaching my heart to consistently whisper, "Only You," so that one day it may shout instead. As I grow frustrated with myself for my lack of gratitude, and lack of peace, He in return has amazing grace with me. He blesses me abundantly, and I do not recognize nor fully appreciate this - always looking for something to complain about. And still, He bestows on me patience, and love, and surely wonders why I am trying to make life harder for myself. It is okay to be happy with your life when things go right, this is what the Lord wants for us. In no way do I wish to sound ungrateful, nor do I claim to have a perfect life. Instead, I am simply trying to acknowledge that this season of my life is not a valley, but a mountain - a climb with a beautiful view. Though it will not stay as such forever, I long to appreciate it as it is now, and recognize that without God, it would not be possible. I did not create this mountain, but instead have been climbing it on the back of Jesus. For some of my blessings I have worked very hard, and some have been handed to me. All of my blessings, however, have come from God - as every good and perfect gift does (see James 1:17). Throughout my life, I have learned that other people will always fail you. It is a much harder lesson to learn that you, too, will always fail you. However, this is becoming abundantly clear during this time of immense blessing. Though I have more than I could need, I always long for more, or something else. As I struggle to grasp the truth that I will never be satisfied, I learn that I cannot provide this for myself. Instead - daily dependence. God is teaching me that even when I have it all, I still need Him as desperately as when I have nothing. He is still God, always in control. He is the one who blesses us, and provides for us. Through Him, we have we all we need - even when it feels like we have nothing, and even when it feels that we have given ourselves everything. He is enough, not I, nor you. Without Him we are nothing, but with Him we are whole. Humility, gratitude, dependence. He has been trying to teach me this for as long as I can remember, longing for me to hear Him. I have not heard Him, because I have not been listening. I am listening now.
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AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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