Well....
If anyone wants a metaphor for how my life is going right now, look no further than the faint bruise on the side of my forehead. Every Monday night I sit in a class taught by a very impressive woman. She has been in the public health field for a very long time, worked on very interesting health topics, has one of my dream jobs, and is overall a woman I most definitely want to impress. Overall, I had been pretty impressed with myself yesterday. I was dressed professionally, with my hair still looking somewhat decent after 12 hours of school and work. I had not had any coffee after 8:30 a.m. and was still holding myself together pretty well (a big accomplishment). Yesterday was the day that Monday would not win. So last night I'm walking out of the classroom as she goes to speak to my remaining group members about our topic. Already feeling weird about leaving early (I needed to get home), I turned to hear what she was saying and say one more goodbye to my group members and professor. As I do this, they're all looking right at me. I awkwardly say a few words and do not get very far before... BAM! I walk right into the doorway. I. was. mortified. They all got a good laugh about it, and I played it off cool before walking out of the classroom and rubbing my head muttering a few choice words. And that is how my life has been going these past few weeks. Every time I feel like I have things together, something comes to trip me up. Every time I feel like I have something figured out, things change. Every time I finally feel good about my choices, something happens to make me unsure. You get the point. It doesn't help that I tend to put an extreme amount of pressure on myself to succeed, look good while doing it, and not ask for help. And I am so positive I am not the only one who does this. But what I am finding is, this way of life is not sustainable. The amount of burn out I have felt, and I am sure you have felt as well, is incredible - which can put a significant amount of stress on top of an already overwhelming situation. I have days I feel like I am sleepwalking with a smile on my face. I have days I sit in class, and true story, my eyes are twitching from exhaustion. And though it is because I am trying to do it all, be it all, and have it all together, this burnout is not helping anyone. It's certainly not helping my grades, or my group members, or my boss. And neither is yours. What I've learned is this - it is not selfish to rest. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. And it is not shameful to ask for help. We cannot do this on our own. One of my favorite bible verses I came across not too long ago goes like this, "If I keep my eyes on God, I won't trip over my own feet." And friends, I literally tripped over my own feet because I took my eyes off where I was going. Right into a doorway. So I urge you, take a day to rest. Take a day to center yourself. Take a day to fix your eyes on what is ahead. And for my fellow Christians, fix your eyes on God. He will not lead you astray... or into a doorway.
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You tell me to be silent. I will not.
You tell me, "Sit down, that's enough." You say, "Okay I'm done talking about this," and "Can we talk about something else now?" You tell me I take it too personally. You tell me it doesn't mean anything. You tell me it's "just a joke." You tell me to lighten up. And then you tell me to be quiet. But as the great Dr. King once said, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." They told him to sit down. They told him to let it go. And they told him it's hopeless. But he stood. And he spoke. And he changed the world. So I will not be silent when you joke about sexual assault. I will not be silent because "we have gender equality in this country," because we don't. I will not be silent when I face harrassment daily just for being a woman. I will not be silent when I cannot walk to my car alone and feel safe. But you tell me "it's just words," when you joke. You tell me it means nothing. And I will not be silent for the atrocities women face across the globe. So I will not be silent about gender equality. And I will not be silent about your racist humor. I will not be silent when your comments encourage harmful stereotypes. I will not be silent as you marginalize an entire group of people. Or even just an individual. I will not be silent as you discuss others lives. As you decide they "just didn't work hard enough," or "they need another job." I will not be silent as you pity them and then judge them all in the same breath. I will not be silent when you discuss this over Starbucks then go home to your warm house. I will not be silent when your candidate poses a serious threat to peace and equality. I will not be silent when you ignore an absence of empathy. I will not be silent in order to "Respect your opinion" because your opinion is reckless. It's harmful. It's dangerous. I will not be silent about the things that matter. So tell me to be quiet. Tell me to shut up. Tell me to go home. Tell me to lighten up. Please. As people are dying from hunger, war, injustice everyday, tell me to lighten up. And to let it go. Because wouldn't the world be a happier place if we all just mind our own business. "Would things be easier if there was a right way? Honey, there is no right way. " To quote Hozier, "there's an art to life's distractions." Make time for what makes your soul happy. Make time for what refreshes you. Make time for things, Make time for activities. Make time for people. Find people who make you laugh. The ones who bring you joy. The ones who make you happy to be alive. Find the people that you miss. Find the ones you want to waste your afternoons with. Find the ones you want to listen to music with. Or the ones you want to watch movies and eat snacks with. Find the people that make you feel less alone, and find the things that bring your heart joy. And make time for them. It is worth it. It will always be worth it. When life gets overwhelming, who do you want to call? Call them. When you've had a long day, who is it you want to be with? Go to them. When you're at work daydreaming, what is it you're thinking about? Do it. We all have things in our lives worth working for. We have goals and dreams. We have careers and ambitions. But we also know there's something else out there - something that brings our soul peace. And our careers aren't bad. Heck, we probably like them at least somedays. But it's not the same. When you think of your perfect Saturday, what are you doing? We have families and friends. We have partners and loved ones. We have those we love having conversations with, those we love lying next to, those we love having adventures with. Sometimes, they're all the same person. When you think of your perfect Saturday, who are you with? We need to fill our lives with perfect Saturdays. We need them on the weekends, we need them on Tuesdays, we need them on Mondays, we need them often. Even if it's just in moments. Even if it's taking 30 minutes to read a chapter of your new book. Or an hour to enjoy a ncie run outside. Or a phone call. Or a movie. Or a nap. Let's find our Saturdays, and intentionally make time for them. We all need a few more hours in bookstores, or drinking coffee with friends, or getting some fresh air. We all need more hand holding, and belly laughs. We need to fill our lives with perfect Saturdays. And we need to share them. Our souls are at peace when our loved ones souls are at peace. So let's promise to make time for them whenever we can. Let's promise to do the things that renew you. Let's promise to spend time with those who bring us life. And let's promise to be that person to others. Let's be Saturdays to others, not Wednesdays, and certainly not Mondays. Life is already full of Mondays without us being them too. Because it's tough out there. We could all use a few more Saturdays. I love October. I really do. October brings pumpkins, chilly nights, chili, cozy nights in, and scary movies. It brings some of my fondest memories growing up, and a feeling of comfort as you cuddle up in a sweatshirt and blanket. This year October brings trips to Los Angeles to see my boyfriend and friends who I've missed dearly. It brings friend's weddings, and another trip home to to see my family. But it also brings mid-terms. It brings tests, and papers, and pressure. It brings lots of coffee and stressful nights. It brings hard work and maybe some stress tears (okay, definitely some stress tears. Already.).
In seasons of life like these, I'm very clearly reminded of my weaknesses - as student, yes, but mainly as a Christian. As someone who claims to put all of their trust in God, and find their identity through Christ alone, I do seem to stress a lot. Growing up in the church, you're constantly told things like, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..." (Colossians 3:15), and "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:27) and "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still," (Exodus 14:14). And those are just a few. Through out the entire bible the Lord is calling us to trust in Him. But it's more than trust, He is calling us to rest in Him. And that is where I find my difficulty. Tough emotional time? Sure, I can trust God. Can't find a job? Yep, it'll be alright. But when it comes to things that are affected by how hard I work (my grades, for example) I just can't seem to get it right. I'm constantly torn between work work work and "you need to rest, it will be okay." And usually the "work work work" side wins, and morphs into "Stress stress stress." And I can't figure out just how I am supposed to be resting in God, when I know that my effort directly impacts my outcome. Last night I was journaling and this thought just kept coming to my mind. This struggle between, do I find my identity in my success or God? Are they mutually exclusive? What is this balance and how can I rest when I have so much to do? So I journaled and I prayed, and eventually fell asleep without coming to the answer to these questions. And this morning I almost didn't go to church. "I have too much to do," I told myself. But I heard a little voice inside me saying, "Go, Rebecca. Trust me." So I rolled myself out of bed, already an hour behind schedule, pulled my hair back and went on to church. I was happy to be there, sure, but I had so much to do... I kept thinking I should have just stayed home. And then the pastor's wife gets on stage, and she is about to pray for us but before she does she stops and says, "I feel like some of you in here need rest. You've forgotten what it means to rest in God, and I pray that you find it." And I looked up, and just sat there, knowing that was meant for me. So we prayed, and throughout the morning worship and prayer a thought kept coming to me - "humble yourself before the Lord, that is how you find rest." And so I prayed for humility, I prayed for a heart that sees God before all, through all, and in all. I prayed for guidance on humbling myself before the Lord. Though I am still learning what this means, I know that it is what God wanted me to hear. At the end of the day, it isn't my grades that are important. It isn't my success that is important. It is that God is glorified, and He is when we work with all of our hearts for Him. The bible even says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if you were working for the Lord, not for human masters," (Colossians 3:23). And there was my answer, "humble yourself before the Lord, Rebecca. Work for His glory, not your own." My prayer is that I can keep my heart focused on this truth as I enter this stressful season, and that you can as well - whatever it is that you're going through that is causing you to lose rest. Because when the disciples were on the boat with Jesus, and it was storming and they cried out to Him, "Lord, help us we're going to drown," He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" (Matthew 8:26). He will never let us drown. |
AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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