Last night, laying in bed, exhausted from the week, I could not sleep. Mind racing with worry about the future, heart breaking from remembering the past, I called out to God - "Lord, take this weight from me... it is getting too heavy," to which He promptly replied, "I am trying." The reason it is so heavy is because you won't let go. "My daughter," He said to me, "the reason it is so heavy is because you won't let go. You are still carrying everything you said you give to me - your fears, your sadness, your anxieties. If you would just let them go, I can make your burden light. Let them go, my daughter, and let me carry that weight. Let go and trust." How often do I lay my life at the foot of the cross at night, only to pick it back up in the morning.
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Okay, girl. You had a great Sunday, but then you let life stress you out and get you down. Give it to God!
Keep trying and keep trusting. It will work out; it always does. I know right now it feels hopeless, but one day you will look back and thank yourself for not giving up. You need to remember how far you've come - then you will get only a glimpse of how far God wants to take you yet. What did we talk about? One day at a time - a life is built piece by piece. So, please, breathe. Listen to God when He says He has big plans for you (yes, you!), good plans for His glory! He longs to use you; do not be discouraged. Keep trying and keep trusting. You've got this, girl - because He's got you. Let me set the scene for you: Run-walking through downtown, trying not to be late. Heels. Professional clothes. Temperature just warm enough to create that slight layer of sweat on skin, that slight "I've been outside" smell. Ready to sell just why I am the best candidate for the job.
PIctured above is a true story of my hot mess of a life, on my way to an interview for a dream internship. I've been applying to jobs for months. I've been getting rejected from jobs for months. There were days I would cry and cry, so disheartened. There were days I accepted the belief that I just wasn't good enough. But I had decided back in January that this would be the year I put myself out there and go for it. This would be the year, if nothing, I tried. So, I kept trying. And I kept failing. Until I didn't. Though my hands were clammy, my hair frizzy, and feet blistered, I went into that interview with my head held high and resume in hand. I went in ready to give it my all. I went in ready to show the very best version of myself. When I got the job, though, my confidence dropped. Suddenly, I was so sure I was going to fail. I was so sure I would disappoint them and myself. I was so sure that I was, in fact, not good enough. And then a few days ago I had to drive a big Uhaul van (something I never ever want to do again btw). As I was driving down the road, knuckles white from gripping the wheel do tightly, I kept saying to myself "visualize success." Because I knew that was the only way I could do it - picture what it looks like to succeed, then make that picture the reality. That stuck in my mind a while, and I got to thinking - there's no reason I can't do that with my internship as well. If I can drive a van full of stuff to the other side of town, I can pull off an internship. The message in my head soon shifted to: "I can. I will. I did." Picturing success. I can do this, so I will do this. And eventually, I did do this. I wrote this 3 sentence saying on a sticky note and posted it above my desk, ready to take on the project set before me. Every time I looked at my little note, the Lord kept whispering in my heart one verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13) I was right. I can do this. But it is because He can do this. I was right, I will do this. But it is because He will do this. And I was right, eventually I will say I did do this, but it is because He has already done this. Throughout the bible, God reminds us that we are never alone. Though we often quote those inspiring words for friends who are heartbroken, or when our lives are a mess, they ring true on our good days too. The are true when we don't get what we want, and they are equally as true when we do. Those weeks I spent struggling, I was not alone. And just because that struggle is over now, that does not mean the Lord leaves. That's the beautiful thing - He is always with us. Not just when we fail, but when we succeed. He walks beside us, he goes before us and clears our path. (Isaiah 45:2) We can because He can. He has already overcome the world. He will not leave us to fight for ourselves. So whether you are at home crying into a box of tissues, or sitting around a kitchen table unsure how you're going to make ends meet, or you just got something wonderful and you're not quite sure if you can actually live up to expectations, remember, you are not alone. You are never alone. "To the very end of age," you are not alone. You can because He can. You will because He will. And One day, you'll say "I did," because He already has. So keep your head up. Keep fightin' the good fight. You've got this - because He's got this. If you're going to love her, love her well.
Learn things about her. Learn everything about her. Learn how she takes her coffee, and her favorite treat. Learn her favorite books, and movies, and learn why. Learn her favorite weekend activities, and learn how to enjoy them too. Learn what she needs when she's sad. If it's touch, embrace her. If it's space, let her be. Learn how to know, before she has to say a word. Because, I promise you, there are ways to know. Know that her heart is beautiful, but also fragile. Know that your words will linger, both for the better and, at times, for the worst. Know that she pays attention, even when she is stubbornly pretending she isn't. Know that she is always trying, always striving to love you better, though it can be difficult to see past herself some times. Do not forget this, when things get hard. Do not forget that she is human, too - a beautiful, strong, loving human, who too has insecurities. Learn the insecurities, and I plead of you, never use them to your advantage. Know what it is that wakes her up in the middle of the night - a stomach full of knots and eyes full of tears. Know how to soothe her, but most importantly, know how to never be the reason why. Her heart makes her special. You know that. Don't forget that. She knows you're special too. Above all, put grace first. Grace for her, grace for eachother, grace for yourself. Your grace honors your Creator - the source of perfect love. Long for this, strive for this, live for this. You cannot half love somebody. You are either in or you are out. To invest partially is a disservice to yourself and your partner. Half-love is a disgrace - a recipe for pain and disaster. So if you're going to love her, love her well. Though she can't promise to always love you perfectly either, know that she will always try. I've always been one to feel things - to feel everything. Deeply. I've always been one to have a profound sense of right and wrong, and an inability to look past it. I've always been sensitive, and I've often been sorry for it. There are ways I have been made to feel because of this - by the world, by people I know, by my inner voice. But those negative things, they're just not true. So this is a letter to the girls like me - these are the words I would say to you. Dear girl, Lovely lovely girl. May you never feel sorry for your emotions. May you never wish them away. There will be days when your heart breaks and heals 100 times, maybe more. There will be days when the world and all of its happenings will feel crippling. There will be days when those who love you hurt you, though they may not have meant to. There will be days when your tears need to be free, or your laugh longs to light up the room. Your life may feel like a rollercoaster of emotions - embrace it. It's beautiful. When you miss your friends so much you cry, what a profound statement of love. When your heart aches for burdens that are not yours to bear, how lovely that is. Your emotions do not make you weak. Your sensitivities are nothing to be ashamed of. They are to be envied. Others would be so lucky to feel things as you and I do. For we know the utter joy a day of sunshine can bring, the warmth and comfort of a rainy morning, and the complete heartbreak of loss. It may not seem as though it is a blessing to feel all things so deeply, but believe me it is. When your heart breaks often, it is only a sign that it is always so full of love. And that is strength. Others will not understand, they will not appreciate how strong you are - but you are. They do not know the tragedy your heart feels when someone walks away, or you experience loss. They do not know how, though, you are completely broken, you always choose to love again. Always choose to love again. Because you know this - life without love is unbearable. So you choose love. And because you choose love, you inevitably open yourself to disappointment and hurt. How beautiful it it you always choose love. There will be days when you are too much for people - you're too "sensitive," you "take things too personally," you are just "being silly." Don't listen to them. Never, I repeat, never, let anyone stop you from feeling the way you feel. Feel everything, don't run from it. Though the world may view your emotions as weakness, you know that it is passion. Though others may think you are too sensitive as you cry for the homeless, the broken, the needy, you know it is empathy. Though they may tell you to "get over it," you know that it is love. Everything you feel adds up to love. The joy, the sadness, the anger, the passion, it all comes down to love. And though the world may not see it that way, you know that it is true. You are special, lovely girl. Though your heart may break, you love again - and that is something to be proud of. So please, I beg of you, never be sorry for how you feel. When you are too much for people for people to carry, know that you are strong enough to carry yourself. Your passion will lead you to great things - no great thing was ever accomplished without it. So embrace it. Love it. Learn to live with it, live through it, live for it. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Though others may not see it, your heart is beautiful. And so are you. With a deep, and sincere love, Rebecca I don't want to lose faith in humanity. I really don't.
I sit and I watch the news and it feels hopeless sometimes. It feels like we can't win. It feels like we fight and we fight and nothing ever comes of it. And I get angry. And I get frustrated. And I get sad. There are things that happen that I don't understand. There are perspectives and attitudes that are so abstract to me that I cannot even fathom how they exist. There are beliefs that are so far from mine that it overwhelms me to even try to comprehend. If it's not one thing, it's another. But this post isn't to complain. It isn't about the world sucking, or how hopeless things are, or even a call to action. It's about people. This morning I was watching the news, getting the updates on confirmations and nominations and my heart just sunk. I truly cannot believe some things happening in the world today, happening in our country. And I got so angry because there are people fighting for what is good and right everyday and nothing seems to be coming of it. Disheartened and angry, I made my way to the local coffee shop to get some work done. Sitting here, I am surrounded by people. There are people reading, others talking business, friends catching up over coffee, and it reminded me - there are good people everywhere. We may not see them. We may not hear about them. They may not get elected. But they exist. It's easy to lose hope in people, until you get to know the hearts of others around you. Your friends, strangers in the coffee shop, your colleagues - they'll surprise you. They're not the people arguing with your progressive posts on Facebook. They're the people who exist outside of politics, outside of business. They're the people living their lives, looking for joy, loving and serving others. As I am very politically outspoken, I am by no means sitting here condemning activism or opinions. But as person that can easily get wrapped up in the world of politics and what feels like the constant disappointment that comes from disagreements and endless fighting, I was reminded how important it is to see people for who they really are. I mean, to really see people. To see their hearts - their joys and sadness. Their passions and their heartbreaks. There is something so beautiful about people in a coffee shop, doing their own thing, at peace alone or with others. There is a whole world outside of the internet. There is a whole world outside of Washington DC. There are people who are looking for love and happiness, there are friends waiting to be made, and conversations waiting to be had. There are mountains waiting to be climbed, and coffee waiting to be consumed in copious amounts. There are laughs waiting to happen, and books waiting to be read. So let's not stop fighting for what is right. Let's not stop calling our senators and marching and sharing articles and engaging in dialogue. But let's also not forget about our neighbors who need a hug, or our moms who want a phone call, or our own souls that need to be nourished. It is important we do not lose sight of the world, and the many many good people in it. Your soul needs to rest. It's okay to not be angry all the time. It's okay to be happy, even when there are injustices in the world. It feels like we're losing now, but when we lose our faith and our hope and our joy - that is when they have really won. "...Hate what is evil. Cling to what is good." Romans 12:9 This past weekend, I had the immense pleasure of spending a day in the beautiful Charleston, SC. From the second we entered the city, I was blown away. The architecture was beautiful, and the beach was stunning - a true, Southern, beach town. With the sun shining and the birds chirping, it wasn't hard to see why people seemed to flock to the city. I mean, just look at those beautiful homes! With brunch places, ice cream shops, and bars galore - what more could you need? If you haven't been there, drop what you're doing and go. Now.
For those of you who did not stop reading to go buy a plane ticket, I have to tell you - this post is not about Charleston. It's a two hour drive from my family's house where I was staying, and as you can imagine, a long car ride allows for plenty of conversation. One of the topics that came up was the casual topic of discovering God's plan for our lives. It stemmed from discussing the bond I formed with my students last year, and my friend's desire to keep with the work for years to come - a goal she had not originally intended, and one much less "successful" than what she could be doing. We talked about how God's plan for our life may not be what our plan is. God's plan for our life may not look the way we think it should. God's plan for our life might include sacrifice, because He has a bigger plan for us than we had for ourselves. This is a topic I tend to struggle with. In fact, I have been praying about it for months. It would be decieving to say that God's plan for our life is always clear, and that our path always seems straight, and following God is like a compass that takes us right where we need to be without any off-roading or getting lost. So I listened to the conversation, but kept thinking, "If only it were that simple." Like many others, I'm sure, my heart is drawn to many things and many places. I have various goals that do not relate, some of which would be more "successful" than others, some of which may be more fulfilling for my soul. This, I am positive, is not a struggle only I have. So how do we know which is God's plan, when our hearts are unsure? How do we know which path to follow? Unfortunately, this is not a post telling you how to figure it out. Because I have no idea, despite months on end of prayer and reflection. Back home this morning, I did my routine bible study. Sitting in the morning sun, listening to the birds sing, I read Jesus' wods - "Follow me." "I am the Light," He said, and those who "walk in the light will never walk in darkness." What a beautiful promise. What a beautiful calling. But, again, I prayed, "God I don't know what that means for me. I want to follow You, but I just don't know how." Sitting there, feeling dismayed, I heard God answer me - "I have already told you how." And He showed me. When I ask, "Lord, what is to come of my life?" He responds, "Do not be anxious." Phillipians 4:6 When I say, "God, I can't continue." He tells me, "Rest in Me. I will make your burdens light." Matthew 11:30 When I do not know which path to follow, He commands me, "Live generously." Matthew 5:42 When I cry, "Lord this person does not belong in my life!" He reminds me, "Love one another." John 13:34 And when I pray for months, and long for answers, and feel so alone, He promises, "Never will I leave you nor forsake you - til the very end of age." Matthew 28:20 And that is the most beautiful promise of all. Friends,
I just wrote an entire heart-felt post about self-love and acceptance through your New Years resolutions, and it's gone. And while I do believe those are important things to talk about, I want to take this fresh start as a chance to be a little more vulnerable. This morning I was sitting in the sunroom, looking out at the frost-covered grass, drinking exquisite french-pressed coffee, watching the birds flutter around with my journal in front of me and... nothing. No inspiration, nada. In fact, this is not new. My journal entries all seem to be the same lately, with little bursts of creative thinking and deep ponderings. But why? I asked myself. Why are words and poems not flooding into my head as they used to? Why have I nothing to share with the world, let alone myself? And then it came to me - because I am scared. Once you put something out into the universe, it's real. My mind has been troubled by a personal dilemma for weeks, and I kept it in because I knew once I said it I could no longer pretend it wasn't important and it was going to go away. I was scared of that - because I wanted it to not be important and for it to go away. But that's not how life works. I haven't been able to write lately because I haven't wanted to be vulnerable. I have been scared of being vulnerable, of admitting my shortcomings and even more so, sharing them with the world. But where has that gotten me? To a place so dull and uninspired I don't even recognize myself anymore. So this is me, sharing this, and publicly vowing to not be afraid of sharing my truths or my feelings, and urging you to do the same. I have been uninspired in my creative life, and in my professional life - because I do not want to put myself out there. Because I am scared of not being good enough. Because I am scared of failing. But where has that gotten me? Absolutely no where. Still in the same place I was months ago. And that, my friends, is no way to live. Be it in your personal, creative, social, or professional life, I urge you to join me on this journey of vulnerability, of putting yourself out there, and being open to what comes. I promise - the result will be a more beautiful, rich, fulfilled life. Don't deny yourselves that, friends. You owe it to yourselves to enter this year giving it all you got, showing the world who you are, and just going for it. It's January. It's the perfect time to start. Let's make this the year we no longer hide our truths, we no longer dim our own lights, we no longer shrink ourselves. We have things to offer the world; let's go out there and show them! "The world is full of people who will try to shrink you. Don't be one of them." "You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place."
I journal every day - be it in the form of a prayer, or just thoughts, every day I write. I write my feelings, and hopes, fears, anxieties, opinions, all of it. The beautiful thing about this is the reflection it provides - a time to reflect in the present, but also a time to visit the previous year. Looking through my journal entries from this year let me see how I've grown, and the rollercoasters of emotions I have been on. But it's also let me see a common trend I've been writing about and feeling all year, and I know if I visited last year's journal I would see the same - restlessness. Always wanting something else. Not necessarily more, just different. If I'm here I want to be there, if I'm there I want to be here. My heart finds peace only in fleeting moments, and always returns to its wandering state. Now, of course, this isn't always bad. In fact, when I read the quote above it really resonated with me, and wrote it in my journal, after a long night of missing people and places I love - And in my journal I responded to it - "How blessed I am to have such a beautiful dilemma." Because that's what it is - it's beautiful. How rich you are, not in money or goods, if you have experiences and felt love. How blessed you are if you have traveled and fallen in love with so many friendships, coffee shops, and places. How lucky you are if you have something to reflect on and be filled with joyful nostalgia about. We all get to this place in our lives at some point, I'm sure of it. When things aren't easy, or fun, or going the way you wish they would, it's an easy trap to fall into. How easy it is to sit and complain about our current circumstances, and think back to nights in the desert, and mornings spent with friends, when in reality if you truly looked back you would remember: that night in the desert is when you decided you don't like the desert, and those mornings and days you look so fondly back on were actually filled with long walks carrying heavy groceries and spraying bug spray all over the house to get rid of the ants infestation. (Of course, these truths for me are metaphors for you, but you get the point). There is beauty in our memories, and that is what we choose to remember. Because maybe the desert was hot and sweaty and you had to use a toilet in the ground, but the view was spectacular, unlike anything you've ever seen. And maybe you had ants on your counter but you got to complain about them with your best friends, and come up with clever ways to take care of it. There is beauty in our memories, but that's not all there is. My point is this - it's far too easy to look back and long for what was, forgetting about the struggle you had then too. It's far too easy to say those days were better, and be blind to the blessings you have now. It's far too easy to wish for days past, and take for granted your days now. It's far too easy to be disappointed with our circumstance, and forget that one day these might be the days you'll look back on with nostalgia. This holiday season let us not get trapped in this vicious cycle of discontent, but instead appreciate your past and your memories, show love to those you miss, and build new memories, not taking for granted the abundant blessings the Lord has bestowed upon you right now. This morning I was brought to tears by the sunrise. Because two days ago I was in tears for a very different reason.
Two days ago I awoke with despair. Two days ago I cried because I felt hopeless. I felt ashamed. I felt saddened. And I felt scared. Two days ago I cried because I lost. That's how two days ago felt, like a personal loss. A friend described the loss of the election feeling like a death, and I cannot disagree. A death to my hope, to my persistence, to my faith in the people of this country. Two days ago I cried because my heart broke in pieces. I awoke two days ago speechless. And for those that know me, that's a rare occurrence. I had no words for the loss I was feeling, or the fear I know my friends of color are facing. I awoke with a heavy heart that I haven't been able to shake. Quickly my sadness morphed into anger. Anger towards people I know and people I don't. Anger towards the country as a whole and the fact that life is the way it is. And this anger has not been easily quieted. When I think about the racism that drove this election, I feel this anger. When I think of the offense so many have sufferred I feel this anger. When I think that even some of those I love can't see this, I feel this anger. This anger has decided it wants to stay. So I felt it. I felt it deeply. I felt it when I watched the news. I felt it when I got on social media. I felt it. I felt it with its cousin sadness, that likes to work its way in there in increments, resulting in tears I was not ready for. Yet, life must go on. And so I prayed. I prayed and I prayed and I continue to pray, because this anger cannot stay in my heart, not in the way it has been. I have prayed for strength, courage, and the ability to love through this anger. I have prayed for the ability and the opportunity to use my voice and make a change. And so this is my voice. This is me saying that I will not be silent in the face of oppression. I will not hide behind my privelige while my Latino and Black friends face fear and discrimination. I will not pretend I don't mind as my dignity as a woman is being torn away from me, while others lose respect for us because of our anatomy. I will not sit back and pretend that things are okay. And I will also continue to pray, because I know that the Lord God is my only source of hope. I know He has not forgotten us. And so I will wait on Him, and while I do, He makes me strong. He will heal my heart. He will heal this country. And I will be kinder than ever. I will not honk at drivers just because I am angry with them. I will not pretend to not see somebody because I am not in the mood to engage in conversation. Now, more than ever, we must work to make this world a lovely place. And I will think back to the beautiful sunrise I saw this morning, and know that this is not the end, that God is faithful even when all feels lost. I will remember His promise to never leave us nor forsake us, and I will trust Him. |
AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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