Let me set the scene for you: Run-walking through downtown, trying not to be late. Heels. Professional clothes. Temperature just warm enough to create that slight layer of sweat on skin, that slight "I've been outside" smell. Ready to sell just why I am the best candidate for the job.
PIctured above is a true story of my hot mess of a life, on my way to an interview for a dream internship. I've been applying to jobs for months. I've been getting rejected from jobs for months. There were days I would cry and cry, so disheartened. There were days I accepted the belief that I just wasn't good enough. But I had decided back in January that this would be the year I put myself out there and go for it. This would be the year, if nothing, I tried. So, I kept trying. And I kept failing. Until I didn't. Though my hands were clammy, my hair frizzy, and feet blistered, I went into that interview with my head held high and resume in hand. I went in ready to give it my all. I went in ready to show the very best version of myself. When I got the job, though, my confidence dropped. Suddenly, I was so sure I was going to fail. I was so sure I would disappoint them and myself. I was so sure that I was, in fact, not good enough. And then a few days ago I had to drive a big Uhaul van (something I never ever want to do again btw). As I was driving down the road, knuckles white from gripping the wheel do tightly, I kept saying to myself "visualize success." Because I knew that was the only way I could do it - picture what it looks like to succeed, then make that picture the reality. That stuck in my mind a while, and I got to thinking - there's no reason I can't do that with my internship as well. If I can drive a van full of stuff to the other side of town, I can pull off an internship. The message in my head soon shifted to: "I can. I will. I did." Picturing success. I can do this, so I will do this. And eventually, I did do this. I wrote this 3 sentence saying on a sticky note and posted it above my desk, ready to take on the project set before me. Every time I looked at my little note, the Lord kept whispering in my heart one verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13) I was right. I can do this. But it is because He can do this. I was right, I will do this. But it is because He will do this. And I was right, eventually I will say I did do this, but it is because He has already done this. Throughout the bible, God reminds us that we are never alone. Though we often quote those inspiring words for friends who are heartbroken, or when our lives are a mess, they ring true on our good days too. The are true when we don't get what we want, and they are equally as true when we do. Those weeks I spent struggling, I was not alone. And just because that struggle is over now, that does not mean the Lord leaves. That's the beautiful thing - He is always with us. Not just when we fail, but when we succeed. He walks beside us, he goes before us and clears our path. (Isaiah 45:2) We can because He can. He has already overcome the world. He will not leave us to fight for ourselves. So whether you are at home crying into a box of tissues, or sitting around a kitchen table unsure how you're going to make ends meet, or you just got something wonderful and you're not quite sure if you can actually live up to expectations, remember, you are not alone. You are never alone. "To the very end of age," you are not alone. You can because He can. You will because He will. And One day, you'll say "I did," because He already has. So keep your head up. Keep fightin' the good fight. You've got this - because He's got this.
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I love October. I really do. October brings pumpkins, chilly nights, chili, cozy nights in, and scary movies. It brings some of my fondest memories growing up, and a feeling of comfort as you cuddle up in a sweatshirt and blanket. This year October brings trips to Los Angeles to see my boyfriend and friends who I've missed dearly. It brings friend's weddings, and another trip home to to see my family. But it also brings mid-terms. It brings tests, and papers, and pressure. It brings lots of coffee and stressful nights. It brings hard work and maybe some stress tears (okay, definitely some stress tears. Already.).
In seasons of life like these, I'm very clearly reminded of my weaknesses - as student, yes, but mainly as a Christian. As someone who claims to put all of their trust in God, and find their identity through Christ alone, I do seem to stress a lot. Growing up in the church, you're constantly told things like, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..." (Colossians 3:15), and "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:27) and "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still," (Exodus 14:14). And those are just a few. Through out the entire bible the Lord is calling us to trust in Him. But it's more than trust, He is calling us to rest in Him. And that is where I find my difficulty. Tough emotional time? Sure, I can trust God. Can't find a job? Yep, it'll be alright. But when it comes to things that are affected by how hard I work (my grades, for example) I just can't seem to get it right. I'm constantly torn between work work work and "you need to rest, it will be okay." And usually the "work work work" side wins, and morphs into "Stress stress stress." And I can't figure out just how I am supposed to be resting in God, when I know that my effort directly impacts my outcome. Last night I was journaling and this thought just kept coming to my mind. This struggle between, do I find my identity in my success or God? Are they mutually exclusive? What is this balance and how can I rest when I have so much to do? So I journaled and I prayed, and eventually fell asleep without coming to the answer to these questions. And this morning I almost didn't go to church. "I have too much to do," I told myself. But I heard a little voice inside me saying, "Go, Rebecca. Trust me." So I rolled myself out of bed, already an hour behind schedule, pulled my hair back and went on to church. I was happy to be there, sure, but I had so much to do... I kept thinking I should have just stayed home. And then the pastor's wife gets on stage, and she is about to pray for us but before she does she stops and says, "I feel like some of you in here need rest. You've forgotten what it means to rest in God, and I pray that you find it." And I looked up, and just sat there, knowing that was meant for me. So we prayed, and throughout the morning worship and prayer a thought kept coming to me - "humble yourself before the Lord, that is how you find rest." And so I prayed for humility, I prayed for a heart that sees God before all, through all, and in all. I prayed for guidance on humbling myself before the Lord. Though I am still learning what this means, I know that it is what God wanted me to hear. At the end of the day, it isn't my grades that are important. It isn't my success that is important. It is that God is glorified, and He is when we work with all of our hearts for Him. The bible even says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if you were working for the Lord, not for human masters," (Colossians 3:23). And there was my answer, "humble yourself before the Lord, Rebecca. Work for His glory, not your own." My prayer is that I can keep my heart focused on this truth as I enter this stressful season, and that you can as well - whatever it is that you're going through that is causing you to lose rest. Because when the disciples were on the boat with Jesus, and it was storming and they cried out to Him, "Lord, help us we're going to drown," He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" (Matthew 8:26). He will never let us drown. Yes, it's 90 degrees outside at the end of September. Yes, it is unusually hot. Yes, I'm ready for cooler weather too.
Glad we got that out of the way. It's no secret it's hot outside. Even if you never left AC to know this, you would know just by the sheer number of people talking about it. In fact, it seems like it's all anyone is talking about lately. And don't get me wrong, I want to drink coffee, wear a sweater and boots, and bundle up by a bonfire as much as the next person, but I really think we need to find something new to talk about. Sitting here, eating a biscuit with some apple butter I just got at the apple orchard, drinking some hot tea thinking about... how much I complain. Why is it that we can never be happy? Things could be going 99% right in our lives, and we would still fixate on that 1% that's wrong. And hey, guilty as charged. I am the queen of this. But I don't want to be. When I pictured how this year would go for me, it was a little different than the way it looks right now. And I can stop there. I can think about this for days, weeks, even. And I can feel sorry for myself because I didn't get everything that I want. Or I can sit here and say, yeah, maybe not everything in my life is perfect, but overall, things are looking pretty good. I'm making good connections, I'm doing well in my classes, I'm getting to experience things I never thought I would. I got to go home this weekend to see my family, and my heart jumped for joy. I had been counting down the days, at times unable to sleep out of excitement. To say I can get a bit homesick would be an understatement. And I get home, and I'm picking apples, one of my favorite activities in the world, and suddenly I am overcome by sadness. Because I have to leave again. I got to see one of my best friends and have a great time with her, but saying goodbye was so hard it almost made me forget how happy I just was. All of this to say, sometimes our complaints are valid. Sometimes our hearts ache. Sometimes we feel a little hopeless, or overwhelmed, or alone. That's real. That's so so real. The problem becomes when we fixate on it. Whether it be how much you're ready for a cool breeze or how much your soul longs for something you can't have quite yet - we are letting what we don't have take away our attention from all that we do have and rob us of our joy. And it's time we put an end to it. So, I invite you to enter a season of gratitude with me. I wish I could say I knew just how to do this. I wish I could say it's simple. But I don't and it's not. And I definitely can't tell you what your season of gratitude looks like, I don't know your heart - only you can figure that out. And I'll figure mine out. What tends to rob me of my joy is the fact that I have some trouble being patient with God. When I want something I want it now, and I need it now, and if I don't get it now then we are going to have some trouble. But that's not how God works. Sometimes he says wait. Always he says, "Trust Me." "And we know that in all ways God works for the good of those who love Him." Romans 8:28 Empowered by this truth, I am entering my season of gratitude full of trust. And I am going to show it by keeping a log of all the things I am grateful for - one a day. Today, it's the fact that I have a family and home to miss. How will you enter your season of gratitude? What will it look like for you? We have 3 months exactly until Christmas, let's teach our hearts to wake with gratefulness and fall asleep with hope. Let's cultivate a culture of gratitude. I moved to Atlanta about a month ago to begin my journey in graduate school. Except my grandmother, who is graciously letting me live with her, I didn't know a soul. Fast forward a few weeks, I've made some friends. Well, a couple friends, but hey that's better than none! They're in graduate school with me, and honestly I am beyond thankful to have found them. That's for a couple of reasons - for one, it's nice to have people to explore with. And for two, to be honest, they make my crazy seem, well, a little less crazy.
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AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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