To my best friend since day one, to my number one fan, and warmest hug,
To the woman who is never too busy to talk to me, even though she's heard my story a million times. To the one who hugs me so tight at the airport when I come home I tear up; to the biggest smile I ever see. To the one who taught me the importance of coming home, but that it's okay to leave to follow my dreams. To the woman who never stops believing in me, the one who always chooses to see the best in me, even when I can't see it myself. To the woman who always knows what I need to hear to make me feel better, but also know when I may need to hear the harsher truth. To the one who has always been ready to hop in the car, go to Starbucks and drive around with me when I need a safe space to process my feelings. To the one who taught me how to be a good listener. To the woman who told me, "it's okay to cry," when I tried too hard to be strong. The one who reminds me my feelings are real, and it's important to feel them. To the woman who has shown me what love is. The one who always makes time for me, and invests her life in me. The one who makes sure I feel loved, and special, and worthy. The one who has made home my favorite place to be. To the one who knows how I take my coffee, and the foods I refuse to touch. To the one who always knows what to get me for my birthday, even when I don't ask. To the one who knows me better than I know myself sometimes. To the woman who has made me who I am. The one who has shown me how to smile through the sadness, and love through the hurt. The one who has been through all the heartbreaks and the joys, the friendships and the falling aparts, the nights when my heart was too heavy to move, and the days my dreams have come true. To the one who has taught me how to keep my heart open, everytime I was ready to close it off. To the woman who always supports my dreams, who always pushes me to dream a little bigger, aim a little higher, and always believes I can do it. To my mom - Thank you, for everything. I couldn't do it without you. I love you.
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This morning I was brought to tears by the sunrise. Because two days ago I was in tears for a very different reason.
Two days ago I awoke with despair. Two days ago I cried because I felt hopeless. I felt ashamed. I felt saddened. And I felt scared. Two days ago I cried because I lost. That's how two days ago felt, like a personal loss. A friend described the loss of the election feeling like a death, and I cannot disagree. A death to my hope, to my persistence, to my faith in the people of this country. Two days ago I cried because my heart broke in pieces. I awoke two days ago speechless. And for those that know me, that's a rare occurrence. I had no words for the loss I was feeling, or the fear I know my friends of color are facing. I awoke with a heavy heart that I haven't been able to shake. Quickly my sadness morphed into anger. Anger towards people I know and people I don't. Anger towards the country as a whole and the fact that life is the way it is. And this anger has not been easily quieted. When I think about the racism that drove this election, I feel this anger. When I think of the offense so many have sufferred I feel this anger. When I think that even some of those I love can't see this, I feel this anger. This anger has decided it wants to stay. So I felt it. I felt it deeply. I felt it when I watched the news. I felt it when I got on social media. I felt it. I felt it with its cousin sadness, that likes to work its way in there in increments, resulting in tears I was not ready for. Yet, life must go on. And so I prayed. I prayed and I prayed and I continue to pray, because this anger cannot stay in my heart, not in the way it has been. I have prayed for strength, courage, and the ability to love through this anger. I have prayed for the ability and the opportunity to use my voice and make a change. And so this is my voice. This is me saying that I will not be silent in the face of oppression. I will not hide behind my privelige while my Latino and Black friends face fear and discrimination. I will not pretend I don't mind as my dignity as a woman is being torn away from me, while others lose respect for us because of our anatomy. I will not sit back and pretend that things are okay. And I will also continue to pray, because I know that the Lord God is my only source of hope. I know He has not forgotten us. And so I will wait on Him, and while I do, He makes me strong. He will heal my heart. He will heal this country. And I will be kinder than ever. I will not honk at drivers just because I am angry with them. I will not pretend to not see somebody because I am not in the mood to engage in conversation. Now, more than ever, we must work to make this world a lovely place. And I will think back to the beautiful sunrise I saw this morning, and know that this is not the end, that God is faithful even when all feels lost. I will remember His promise to never leave us nor forsake us, and I will trust Him. If you grew up going to Vacation Bible School every summer, you know the story of Jericho. And if you don't, here's a quick recap.
Basically, the Israelites have finally made it to the Promised Land. They've had to fight battles, cross seas, run for their lives - their journey has been no easy task. But God promised them they would make it, and they did. After their long journey, God takes care of them by ensuring their Manna supply holds them over for a while. But some time passes, they're getting settled into their new home, finally catching up on some rest, I'm sure, and God talks to Joshua. God tells Joshua that his people are to take the city of Jericho... and here's the catch, the city is surrounded on all sides by a large, protective wall. "Oh, that old thing?" God basically says. "Don't worry about that... here's what you do: You're gonna march around it one time for seven days, and then on the seventh day you're going to march around it seven times. Oh, and your priests are going to need to carry big ram's horns while you do it." (obviously a paraphrase). And once they do all that God tells them to, the walls are supposed to just fall down and then they can enter the city.... Wait, what. Like...God... you have got to be kidding me. I just fought for my life, escaped people trying to kill me, and walked for days to get to this land. I have literally just started getting settled. And now you want me to do THIS!? Can't I just rest?? This is good enough. Or atleast, that probably would have been my response. Nahhh you all go on without me, I'm good here. But the amazing thing is, there is no record of the Israelites even complaining! Not only did they do what they were told, they did not hesitate. Though we do not know if they did it joyfully, they definitely did it faithfully. And that's the part that gets me. Because I'm not so sure I would have. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have. I see it in my life now... when things get hard, I want to just settle. I want to just quit. The Lord has been beyond faithful to me, blessing me abundantly, and yet when he calls me to go just a bit further, I withdraw. I say, no thank you, this is good enough. That's where the Israelites and I differ. Now, of course I am not comparing my struggle to theirs, but I think the parallel is pretty clear. This story really has had me thinking, what is my Jericho? What challenging, at times seemingly hopeless task has the Lord called me to? And... am I responding in faithfulness? When I first got accepted to graduate school, it was a dream come true. I even described it as a miracle. It was everything I had been hoping and praying for. I was certain I had found what the Lord was calling me to. When I decided to take a year off and do Americorps, I experienced leaving home for the first time, and when I returned this summer, I never wanted to leave again. The time came to move away for school to start, and I found myself crying, longing to stay home. As the months have gone by, the longing has not gone away. And the work is hard. And I am busier than ever. And I constantly question if I'm making the wrong choice.... But after re-reading the story of Jericho, I just couldn't stop thinking -- just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's not what you're supposed to be doing. I think we so often believe that once we are doing what God has called us to, what we were made to do, things will just fall into place. It will be like an awakening, where things suddenly come easier, and you're feeling blessed every day, and it all makes sense. But as we see in this story, throughout the bible, and just in reality, that's not usually how God works. He calls us to do hard things. He calls us to go beyond our comfort zones, push ourselves to the limits, work tirelessly in His name, all the while trusting that He will provide, knowing we can rest in His grace and promises. So today I ask you, what Jericho has the Lord called you to? And if you're being honest with yourself, are you responding in faithfulness? |
AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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