Last night, laying in bed, exhausted from the week, I could not sleep. Mind racing with worry about the future, heart breaking from remembering the past, I called out to God - "Lord, take this weight from me... it is getting too heavy," to which He promptly replied, "I am trying." The reason it is so heavy is because you won't let go. "My daughter," He said to me, "the reason it is so heavy is because you won't let go. You are still carrying everything you said you give to me - your fears, your sadness, your anxieties. If you would just let them go, I can make your burden light. Let them go, my daughter, and let me carry that weight. Let go and trust." How often do I lay my life at the foot of the cross at night, only to pick it back up in the morning.
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Okay, girl. You had a great Sunday, but then you let life stress you out and get you down. Give it to God!
Keep trying and keep trusting. It will work out; it always does. I know right now it feels hopeless, but one day you will look back and thank yourself for not giving up. You need to remember how far you've come - then you will get only a glimpse of how far God wants to take you yet. What did we talk about? One day at a time - a life is built piece by piece. So, please, breathe. Listen to God when He says He has big plans for you (yes, you!), good plans for His glory! He longs to use you; do not be discouraged. Keep trying and keep trusting. You've got this, girl - because He's got you. I once read a quote that said: "that which you are most afraid to write, write that."
Well... this is that. There are a few topics I have some ideas about, but I can't bring myself to write just to write. I write because I have something to say. I write because I feel things, and I feel the need to share them. I write because my heart feels everything deeply... everything, and it needs an outlet. And this is it. I have lost a lot of relationships in my life - romantic, or otherwise. A lot of friendships have fallen apart, or drifted away. There are people I thought I could count on that let me down, and I know there are people that thought they could count on me, only to be let down. There are chapters in my life that have closed because I wanted them to, and others that were shut in my face. There have been things I wanted and people I've missed so deeply I could feel it in my bones. There are people I have hurt, and people who have hurt me. There are times I have been selfish, and others I have been giving. There are times I have been serious, and others I have just been having fun. I know, though, that no one's heart is an object to just have fun with. No one's heart deserves to be toyed with, including mine. While many relationships have ended, very few have ended explosively. Most have simply faded. Others... just weren't right. I have been reflecting on this quite a bit recently. I am grateful for the ones I love, and those who love me. We, as a culture, do not appreciate this enough. We do not appreciate time we have together enough, until we no longer have it. We do not appreciate the power of kind words until we no longer receive them. We do not appreciate the laughter, the love, the hugs until they fade away. Upon reflection, these are a few lessons I have learned from my broken relationships. 1. Be kind. 2. Let things go. 3. Linger. 4. Get off your phone. 5. Make time to do things. They are simple lessons. They are simple actions. But they are not ones we do. We are quick to pick fights when others don't see things our way. We are quick to get angry when our high expectations aren't met, and quick to forget the other person is just a person too. We are quick to hold on to this anger, and lose hours of time because of it. The energy we spend being angry is energy we cannot spend loving. The two cannot exist together. We are quick to be annoyed when someone acts differently than we do. We are quick to be irritated when someone cannot read our mind. We are quick to assume we are right. We always assume we are right. Sometimes we are. But the energy we spend being angry is energy we cannot spend loving. The two cannot exist together. We are quick to rush off, to do the next thing. We are quick to pay our bill and go to the movies. We are quick to clean the kitchen after a meal. We are quick to hang up the phone when the conversation runs dry. Linger a little longer next time. There is beauty in just being. There is joy in staying to finish your coffee. There is peace in stillness. We are quick to assume we will have time later to be together. That's the problem - we always think we have time. We spend our time together apart, with our heads in our phones. We lose so much time together even when we are together. We lose conversations. We lose time to linger. We lose that time. The worst part is, we choose to lose that time. We choose our phones over our loved ones. We are quick to assume we will have time later to be together. That's the problem - we always think we have time. We do not make an effort to experience things together. Life is made of experiences, and we actively choose not to pursue them. We miss out on memories to talk about for a life time. We must be intentional about making these memories. They are the glue that holds us. They are our reference point when things are going south. We are quick to assume we will have time later to be together. That's the problem - we always think we have time. We must love our loved ones. We must be intentional about loving our loved ones. Too many relationships end. Too many people fade away. Too many hearts break. We must love our loved ones. 5 short words. 5 seemingly harmless words. 5 deceitfully damaging words. We say them when we are trying to be playful, or flirty even. We say them on dates, we say them over the phone. We say them because we are trying to be humble, or cute, or make the other person feel good, or a multitude of different things women have to try to be and do. And we need to stop saying them. Now. "You're too good to me." I want all the ladies to take a minute and think about the last time they said these words, or almost said them. Mine was today. When my boyfriend complimented me. "What a humble, playful response," I thought initially. But I want you to think about that. And I want you to think about the situations in which you've said it.... Truly, truly think about it. My partner of a year complimented me, something a partner should do, something which he does every day. And what is my response...? You're too good to me?? WHAT. This phrase is harmful in so many ways, and here's why: 1. It discredits your value to the other person. When someone does something nice for you, and you say something like, "you're too good to me," you are inadvertently telling them that you are not worthy of what they are doing - that you do not deserve their affection. Of course this may not always seem like what is happening, because its effects may not be seen immediately, or ever in a direct way, but responding in this manner creates an environment in which you have put yourself below not only the other person, but below the line of being worthy of their love. Let me tell you, sister, you are more than worthy of their compliments, and gifts, and affection. You are not lesser, and you are not undeserving. Don't present yourself that way. 2. It discredits your value to yourself. Additionally, you are not only telling the other person that you are not worthy, you are telling yourself. And though you may write this off as just something you say, not something you mean, when you hear something enough times - you believe it. That's science. If you are constantly living in a reality in which you tell yourself that you are lesser, it's a slippery slope before this sentiment creeps into your every day life and soon becomes something even you believe sometimes. Ladies, we struggle enough with others telling us we aren't good enough - don't be one of those voices. In the same way we should be lifting others up, we must also encourage ourselves, and believe in ourselves. We are our biggest cheerleaders - don't discredit yourself. 3. It furthers society's misguided view on women. It's unattractive to be "full of yourself," or "being humble means never flaunting your strengths" - things we hear all the time, if only in our own brains. Such an ingrained part of our culture - women MUST be humble, and humility is... frankly, never accepting a compliment. Come on girl, when someone tells you that you look beautful in a picture, chances are you already know or you wouldn't have posted it. Someone brings you a surprise coffee or cookie, well that was a nice thing for them to do and they just made your day. Tell them that. Don't pretend that you don't know when you're looking good, or doing good, or feeling good. It's okay to say... drumroll please... a simple, "thank you." Obviously, you (most likely) were not intending these things when you said those words, nor are you a bad person because you did. But we need to examine this. Why is our first response one that makes us seem smaller, and unworthy of being loved the right way? Why is our so-often-go-to playful response one that inhibits ourselves from seeing our own value? Because we have been conditioned to think that way, and we have been wrongfully made to believe that it's okay. Our avoidance of the "Thank you" is toxic to our relationships and ourselves. It interferes with others' comfort levels in loving you the way they have been trying to. It makes the actions, or words, seem unappreciated and unnecessary while providing an ego boost that is severely misplaced. Here's the hard truth - people who love you should be nice to you. They do not deserve to be put on a pedestal for that. And a kind "thank you" demonstrates that you acknowledge their kindness, and that it is appreciated. It places value on their action, without taking value away from yourself. Look, ladies, I know you didn't mean harm when you said it. And I don't blame you. I get it, I have to actively stop myself from saying it. But let's shift. Let's be intentional with our language. Let's be intentional on creating a culture that not only recognizes women but values them. And let's start with ourselves. So the next time someone does something nice for you, or says something nice about you, or whatever it is it may be - try "thank you." And see your world shift from one in which you tell yourself that you are unworthy of affection, to one that you see your value, and are unashamed to acknowledge that, all the while loving the other person back through the acknowledgement of their kindness. People who love you should be nice to you. They do not deserve to be put on a pedestal for that. Let me set the scene for you: Run-walking through downtown, trying not to be late. Heels. Professional clothes. Temperature just warm enough to create that slight layer of sweat on skin, that slight "I've been outside" smell. Ready to sell just why I am the best candidate for the job.
PIctured above is a true story of my hot mess of a life, on my way to an interview for a dream internship. I've been applying to jobs for months. I've been getting rejected from jobs for months. There were days I would cry and cry, so disheartened. There were days I accepted the belief that I just wasn't good enough. But I had decided back in January that this would be the year I put myself out there and go for it. This would be the year, if nothing, I tried. So, I kept trying. And I kept failing. Until I didn't. Though my hands were clammy, my hair frizzy, and feet blistered, I went into that interview with my head held high and resume in hand. I went in ready to give it my all. I went in ready to show the very best version of myself. When I got the job, though, my confidence dropped. Suddenly, I was so sure I was going to fail. I was so sure I would disappoint them and myself. I was so sure that I was, in fact, not good enough. And then a few days ago I had to drive a big Uhaul van (something I never ever want to do again btw). As I was driving down the road, knuckles white from gripping the wheel do tightly, I kept saying to myself "visualize success." Because I knew that was the only way I could do it - picture what it looks like to succeed, then make that picture the reality. That stuck in my mind a while, and I got to thinking - there's no reason I can't do that with my internship as well. If I can drive a van full of stuff to the other side of town, I can pull off an internship. The message in my head soon shifted to: "I can. I will. I did." Picturing success. I can do this, so I will do this. And eventually, I did do this. I wrote this 3 sentence saying on a sticky note and posted it above my desk, ready to take on the project set before me. Every time I looked at my little note, the Lord kept whispering in my heart one verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13) I was right. I can do this. But it is because He can do this. I was right, I will do this. But it is because He will do this. And I was right, eventually I will say I did do this, but it is because He has already done this. Throughout the bible, God reminds us that we are never alone. Though we often quote those inspiring words for friends who are heartbroken, or when our lives are a mess, they ring true on our good days too. The are true when we don't get what we want, and they are equally as true when we do. Those weeks I spent struggling, I was not alone. And just because that struggle is over now, that does not mean the Lord leaves. That's the beautiful thing - He is always with us. Not just when we fail, but when we succeed. He walks beside us, he goes before us and clears our path. (Isaiah 45:2) We can because He can. He has already overcome the world. He will not leave us to fight for ourselves. So whether you are at home crying into a box of tissues, or sitting around a kitchen table unsure how you're going to make ends meet, or you just got something wonderful and you're not quite sure if you can actually live up to expectations, remember, you are not alone. You are never alone. "To the very end of age," you are not alone. You can because He can. You will because He will. And One day, you'll say "I did," because He already has. So keep your head up. Keep fightin' the good fight. You've got this - because He's got this. I've always been one to feel things - to feel everything. Deeply. I've always been one to have a profound sense of right and wrong, and an inability to look past it. I've always been sensitive, and I've often been sorry for it. There are ways I have been made to feel because of this - by the world, by people I know, by my inner voice. But those negative things, they're just not true. So this is a letter to the girls like me - these are the words I would say to you. Dear girl, Lovely lovely girl. May you never feel sorry for your emotions. May you never wish them away. There will be days when your heart breaks and heals 100 times, maybe more. There will be days when the world and all of its happenings will feel crippling. There will be days when those who love you hurt you, though they may not have meant to. There will be days when your tears need to be free, or your laugh longs to light up the room. Your life may feel like a rollercoaster of emotions - embrace it. It's beautiful. When you miss your friends so much you cry, what a profound statement of love. When your heart aches for burdens that are not yours to bear, how lovely that is. Your emotions do not make you weak. Your sensitivities are nothing to be ashamed of. They are to be envied. Others would be so lucky to feel things as you and I do. For we know the utter joy a day of sunshine can bring, the warmth and comfort of a rainy morning, and the complete heartbreak of loss. It may not seem as though it is a blessing to feel all things so deeply, but believe me it is. When your heart breaks often, it is only a sign that it is always so full of love. And that is strength. Others will not understand, they will not appreciate how strong you are - but you are. They do not know the tragedy your heart feels when someone walks away, or you experience loss. They do not know how, though, you are completely broken, you always choose to love again. Always choose to love again. Because you know this - life without love is unbearable. So you choose love. And because you choose love, you inevitably open yourself to disappointment and hurt. How beautiful it it you always choose love. There will be days when you are too much for people - you're too "sensitive," you "take things too personally," you are just "being silly." Don't listen to them. Never, I repeat, never, let anyone stop you from feeling the way you feel. Feel everything, don't run from it. Though the world may view your emotions as weakness, you know that it is passion. Though others may think you are too sensitive as you cry for the homeless, the broken, the needy, you know it is empathy. Though they may tell you to "get over it," you know that it is love. Everything you feel adds up to love. The joy, the sadness, the anger, the passion, it all comes down to love. And though the world may not see it that way, you know that it is true. You are special, lovely girl. Though your heart may break, you love again - and that is something to be proud of. So please, I beg of you, never be sorry for how you feel. When you are too much for people for people to carry, know that you are strong enough to carry yourself. Your passion will lead you to great things - no great thing was ever accomplished without it. So embrace it. Love it. Learn to live with it, live through it, live for it. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Though others may not see it, your heart is beautiful. And so are you. With a deep, and sincere love, Rebecca I don't want to lose faith in humanity. I really don't.
I sit and I watch the news and it feels hopeless sometimes. It feels like we can't win. It feels like we fight and we fight and nothing ever comes of it. And I get angry. And I get frustrated. And I get sad. There are things that happen that I don't understand. There are perspectives and attitudes that are so abstract to me that I cannot even fathom how they exist. There are beliefs that are so far from mine that it overwhelms me to even try to comprehend. If it's not one thing, it's another. But this post isn't to complain. It isn't about the world sucking, or how hopeless things are, or even a call to action. It's about people. This morning I was watching the news, getting the updates on confirmations and nominations and my heart just sunk. I truly cannot believe some things happening in the world today, happening in our country. And I got so angry because there are people fighting for what is good and right everyday and nothing seems to be coming of it. Disheartened and angry, I made my way to the local coffee shop to get some work done. Sitting here, I am surrounded by people. There are people reading, others talking business, friends catching up over coffee, and it reminded me - there are good people everywhere. We may not see them. We may not hear about them. They may not get elected. But they exist. It's easy to lose hope in people, until you get to know the hearts of others around you. Your friends, strangers in the coffee shop, your colleagues - they'll surprise you. They're not the people arguing with your progressive posts on Facebook. They're the people who exist outside of politics, outside of business. They're the people living their lives, looking for joy, loving and serving others. As I am very politically outspoken, I am by no means sitting here condemning activism or opinions. But as person that can easily get wrapped up in the world of politics and what feels like the constant disappointment that comes from disagreements and endless fighting, I was reminded how important it is to see people for who they really are. I mean, to really see people. To see their hearts - their joys and sadness. Their passions and their heartbreaks. There is something so beautiful about people in a coffee shop, doing their own thing, at peace alone or with others. There is a whole world outside of the internet. There is a whole world outside of Washington DC. There are people who are looking for love and happiness, there are friends waiting to be made, and conversations waiting to be had. There are mountains waiting to be climbed, and coffee waiting to be consumed in copious amounts. There are laughs waiting to happen, and books waiting to be read. So let's not stop fighting for what is right. Let's not stop calling our senators and marching and sharing articles and engaging in dialogue. But let's also not forget about our neighbors who need a hug, or our moms who want a phone call, or our own souls that need to be nourished. It is important we do not lose sight of the world, and the many many good people in it. Your soul needs to rest. It's okay to not be angry all the time. It's okay to be happy, even when there are injustices in the world. It feels like we're losing now, but when we lose our faith and our hope and our joy - that is when they have really won. "...Hate what is evil. Cling to what is good." Romans 12:9 This past weekend, I had the immense pleasure of spending a day in the beautiful Charleston, SC. From the second we entered the city, I was blown away. The architecture was beautiful, and the beach was stunning - a true, Southern, beach town. With the sun shining and the birds chirping, it wasn't hard to see why people seemed to flock to the city. I mean, just look at those beautiful homes! With brunch places, ice cream shops, and bars galore - what more could you need? If you haven't been there, drop what you're doing and go. Now.
For those of you who did not stop reading to go buy a plane ticket, I have to tell you - this post is not about Charleston. It's a two hour drive from my family's house where I was staying, and as you can imagine, a long car ride allows for plenty of conversation. One of the topics that came up was the casual topic of discovering God's plan for our lives. It stemmed from discussing the bond I formed with my students last year, and my friend's desire to keep with the work for years to come - a goal she had not originally intended, and one much less "successful" than what she could be doing. We talked about how God's plan for our life may not be what our plan is. God's plan for our life may not look the way we think it should. God's plan for our life might include sacrifice, because He has a bigger plan for us than we had for ourselves. This is a topic I tend to struggle with. In fact, I have been praying about it for months. It would be decieving to say that God's plan for our life is always clear, and that our path always seems straight, and following God is like a compass that takes us right where we need to be without any off-roading or getting lost. So I listened to the conversation, but kept thinking, "If only it were that simple." Like many others, I'm sure, my heart is drawn to many things and many places. I have various goals that do not relate, some of which would be more "successful" than others, some of which may be more fulfilling for my soul. This, I am positive, is not a struggle only I have. So how do we know which is God's plan, when our hearts are unsure? How do we know which path to follow? Unfortunately, this is not a post telling you how to figure it out. Because I have no idea, despite months on end of prayer and reflection. Back home this morning, I did my routine bible study. Sitting in the morning sun, listening to the birds sing, I read Jesus' wods - "Follow me." "I am the Light," He said, and those who "walk in the light will never walk in darkness." What a beautiful promise. What a beautiful calling. But, again, I prayed, "God I don't know what that means for me. I want to follow You, but I just don't know how." Sitting there, feeling dismayed, I heard God answer me - "I have already told you how." And He showed me. When I ask, "Lord, what is to come of my life?" He responds, "Do not be anxious." Phillipians 4:6 When I say, "God, I can't continue." He tells me, "Rest in Me. I will make your burdens light." Matthew 11:30 When I do not know which path to follow, He commands me, "Live generously." Matthew 5:42 When I cry, "Lord this person does not belong in my life!" He reminds me, "Love one another." John 13:34 And when I pray for months, and long for answers, and feel so alone, He promises, "Never will I leave you nor forsake you - til the very end of age." Matthew 28:20 And that is the most beautiful promise of all. I remember, when I was little, I wanted more than anything to be a star - one of those acting, singing, dancing Disney Channel stars. I wanted to be on television, and perform in front of crowds. I would sing and dance in my room. I would write plays for me and my friends (starring myself, of course). I attended drama camp, I was on competitive dance teams. More than anything - I wanted this. One day, a family member lovingly implied that this dream may be... less than realistic. He didn't want me to get disappointed, he said (Very well intentioned, sound advice I can now appreciate as an adult). This did, however, fuel the opposite response. Instead of taking it to heart and focusing on something more realistic, this comment did less than discourage me. In fact, I became more determined than ever. I would sit and watch television, and I had a journal - every time I saw a child actor (which was a lot, by the way, since I was basically only watching Disney Channel... so maybe not the most representative sample) I would put a tally mark. I was going to prove them all wrong. I was going to show them how many kids did make it, and that I could make it too. I mean, I really believed in myself. Eventually, of course, I did grow out of that dream. I went from that to dreaming of being a teacher, to an astronaut, to a bus driver (don't ask..), to an author, to a business executive, to a small-business owner. The point is, I had dreams. I had dreams that I really believed in. I had dreams that I really believed in myself to accomplish. Kids' minds are beautiful that way. Unfortunately, I also eventually grew out of the confidence as well. As I was talking with my boyfriend tonight about how intimidating my fellow students can be, and how discouraged I get when comparing myself, and how I am scared to apply to these awesome positions because I am scared to get rejected, a problem I know is not unique to me... a question entered my head - when did we stop believing fervently in my dreams? When did we start comparing ourselves to others, and deciding we're not as good? When did we lose faith in ourselves? As kids, we dream and we believe in ourselves. As adults, we lose that. Just think how remarkable our lives would be if we dared to dream a little bigger, without holding back from fear of disappointment. Just think how much we would impress ourselves if we had the audacity to believe that we could actually accomplish those big dreams, instead of shrinking ourselves, or writing ourselves off. Imagine how far we would get if our hope fueled our work - and we worked and worked and worked until we accomplished our dreams, instead of giving up and just settling because it seems too hard, or "it's just not in the cards." At what point in our lives are we taught that dreaming is foolish? At what point in our lives are we taught to dissuade ourselves because of the embarrassment of failure? I don't know how to change this, friends. It's a personal journey that we all have to take. But I know the world would be a much more beautiful place if we all held on to that confidence we had as a child that, with work, we could be whatever we want to be, whether it be an actress, or an astronuat, or even a bus driver. "Do not ask, 'what does the world need?' Ask, 'what makes me come alive?' and then go do that. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive." Howard Thurman. Friends,
I just wrote an entire heart-felt post about self-love and acceptance through your New Years resolutions, and it's gone. And while I do believe those are important things to talk about, I want to take this fresh start as a chance to be a little more vulnerable. This morning I was sitting in the sunroom, looking out at the frost-covered grass, drinking exquisite french-pressed coffee, watching the birds flutter around with my journal in front of me and... nothing. No inspiration, nada. In fact, this is not new. My journal entries all seem to be the same lately, with little bursts of creative thinking and deep ponderings. But why? I asked myself. Why are words and poems not flooding into my head as they used to? Why have I nothing to share with the world, let alone myself? And then it came to me - because I am scared. Once you put something out into the universe, it's real. My mind has been troubled by a personal dilemma for weeks, and I kept it in because I knew once I said it I could no longer pretend it wasn't important and it was going to go away. I was scared of that - because I wanted it to not be important and for it to go away. But that's not how life works. I haven't been able to write lately because I haven't wanted to be vulnerable. I have been scared of being vulnerable, of admitting my shortcomings and even more so, sharing them with the world. But where has that gotten me? To a place so dull and uninspired I don't even recognize myself anymore. So this is me, sharing this, and publicly vowing to not be afraid of sharing my truths or my feelings, and urging you to do the same. I have been uninspired in my creative life, and in my professional life - because I do not want to put myself out there. Because I am scared of not being good enough. Because I am scared of failing. But where has that gotten me? Absolutely no where. Still in the same place I was months ago. And that, my friends, is no way to live. Be it in your personal, creative, social, or professional life, I urge you to join me on this journey of vulnerability, of putting yourself out there, and being open to what comes. I promise - the result will be a more beautiful, rich, fulfilled life. Don't deny yourselves that, friends. You owe it to yourselves to enter this year giving it all you got, showing the world who you are, and just going for it. It's January. It's the perfect time to start. Let's make this the year we no longer hide our truths, we no longer dim our own lights, we no longer shrink ourselves. We have things to offer the world; let's go out there and show them! "The world is full of people who will try to shrink you. Don't be one of them." |
AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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