"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place."
I journal every day - be it in the form of a prayer, or just thoughts, every day I write. I write my feelings, and hopes, fears, anxieties, opinions, all of it. The beautiful thing about this is the reflection it provides - a time to reflect in the present, but also a time to visit the previous year. Looking through my journal entries from this year let me see how I've grown, and the rollercoasters of emotions I have been on. But it's also let me see a common trend I've been writing about and feeling all year, and I know if I visited last year's journal I would see the same - restlessness. Always wanting something else. Not necessarily more, just different. If I'm here I want to be there, if I'm there I want to be here. My heart finds peace only in fleeting moments, and always returns to its wandering state. Now, of course, this isn't always bad. In fact, when I read the quote above it really resonated with me, and wrote it in my journal, after a long night of missing people and places I love - And in my journal I responded to it - "How blessed I am to have such a beautiful dilemma." Because that's what it is - it's beautiful. How rich you are, not in money or goods, if you have experiences and felt love. How blessed you are if you have traveled and fallen in love with so many friendships, coffee shops, and places. How lucky you are if you have something to reflect on and be filled with joyful nostalgia about. We all get to this place in our lives at some point, I'm sure of it. When things aren't easy, or fun, or going the way you wish they would, it's an easy trap to fall into. How easy it is to sit and complain about our current circumstances, and think back to nights in the desert, and mornings spent with friends, when in reality if you truly looked back you would remember: that night in the desert is when you decided you don't like the desert, and those mornings and days you look so fondly back on were actually filled with long walks carrying heavy groceries and spraying bug spray all over the house to get rid of the ants infestation. (Of course, these truths for me are metaphors for you, but you get the point). There is beauty in our memories, and that is what we choose to remember. Because maybe the desert was hot and sweaty and you had to use a toilet in the ground, but the view was spectacular, unlike anything you've ever seen. And maybe you had ants on your counter but you got to complain about them with your best friends, and come up with clever ways to take care of it. There is beauty in our memories, but that's not all there is. My point is this - it's far too easy to look back and long for what was, forgetting about the struggle you had then too. It's far too easy to say those days were better, and be blind to the blessings you have now. It's far too easy to wish for days past, and take for granted your days now. It's far too easy to be disappointed with our circumstance, and forget that one day these might be the days you'll look back on with nostalgia. This holiday season let us not get trapped in this vicious cycle of discontent, but instead appreciate your past and your memories, show love to those you miss, and build new memories, not taking for granted the abundant blessings the Lord has bestowed upon you right now.
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To my best friend since day one, to my number one fan, and warmest hug,
To the woman who is never too busy to talk to me, even though she's heard my story a million times. To the one who hugs me so tight at the airport when I come home I tear up; to the biggest smile I ever see. To the one who taught me the importance of coming home, but that it's okay to leave to follow my dreams. To the woman who never stops believing in me, the one who always chooses to see the best in me, even when I can't see it myself. To the woman who always knows what I need to hear to make me feel better, but also know when I may need to hear the harsher truth. To the one who has always been ready to hop in the car, go to Starbucks and drive around with me when I need a safe space to process my feelings. To the one who taught me how to be a good listener. To the woman who told me, "it's okay to cry," when I tried too hard to be strong. The one who reminds me my feelings are real, and it's important to feel them. To the woman who has shown me what love is. The one who always makes time for me, and invests her life in me. The one who makes sure I feel loved, and special, and worthy. The one who has made home my favorite place to be. To the one who knows how I take my coffee, and the foods I refuse to touch. To the one who always knows what to get me for my birthday, even when I don't ask. To the one who knows me better than I know myself sometimes. To the woman who has made me who I am. The one who has shown me how to smile through the sadness, and love through the hurt. The one who has been through all the heartbreaks and the joys, the friendships and the falling aparts, the nights when my heart was too heavy to move, and the days my dreams have come true. To the one who has taught me how to keep my heart open, everytime I was ready to close it off. To the woman who always supports my dreams, who always pushes me to dream a little bigger, aim a little higher, and always believes I can do it. To my mom - Thank you, for everything. I couldn't do it without you. I love you. This morning I was brought to tears by the sunrise. Because two days ago I was in tears for a very different reason.
Two days ago I awoke with despair. Two days ago I cried because I felt hopeless. I felt ashamed. I felt saddened. And I felt scared. Two days ago I cried because I lost. That's how two days ago felt, like a personal loss. A friend described the loss of the election feeling like a death, and I cannot disagree. A death to my hope, to my persistence, to my faith in the people of this country. Two days ago I cried because my heart broke in pieces. I awoke two days ago speechless. And for those that know me, that's a rare occurrence. I had no words for the loss I was feeling, or the fear I know my friends of color are facing. I awoke with a heavy heart that I haven't been able to shake. Quickly my sadness morphed into anger. Anger towards people I know and people I don't. Anger towards the country as a whole and the fact that life is the way it is. And this anger has not been easily quieted. When I think about the racism that drove this election, I feel this anger. When I think of the offense so many have sufferred I feel this anger. When I think that even some of those I love can't see this, I feel this anger. This anger has decided it wants to stay. So I felt it. I felt it deeply. I felt it when I watched the news. I felt it when I got on social media. I felt it. I felt it with its cousin sadness, that likes to work its way in there in increments, resulting in tears I was not ready for. Yet, life must go on. And so I prayed. I prayed and I prayed and I continue to pray, because this anger cannot stay in my heart, not in the way it has been. I have prayed for strength, courage, and the ability to love through this anger. I have prayed for the ability and the opportunity to use my voice and make a change. And so this is my voice. This is me saying that I will not be silent in the face of oppression. I will not hide behind my privelige while my Latino and Black friends face fear and discrimination. I will not pretend I don't mind as my dignity as a woman is being torn away from me, while others lose respect for us because of our anatomy. I will not sit back and pretend that things are okay. And I will also continue to pray, because I know that the Lord God is my only source of hope. I know He has not forgotten us. And so I will wait on Him, and while I do, He makes me strong. He will heal my heart. He will heal this country. And I will be kinder than ever. I will not honk at drivers just because I am angry with them. I will not pretend to not see somebody because I am not in the mood to engage in conversation. Now, more than ever, we must work to make this world a lovely place. And I will think back to the beautiful sunrise I saw this morning, and know that this is not the end, that God is faithful even when all feels lost. I will remember His promise to never leave us nor forsake us, and I will trust Him. You tell me to be silent. I will not.
You tell me, "Sit down, that's enough." You say, "Okay I'm done talking about this," and "Can we talk about something else now?" You tell me I take it too personally. You tell me it doesn't mean anything. You tell me it's "just a joke." You tell me to lighten up. And then you tell me to be quiet. But as the great Dr. King once said, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." They told him to sit down. They told him to let it go. And they told him it's hopeless. But he stood. And he spoke. And he changed the world. So I will not be silent when you joke about sexual assault. I will not be silent because "we have gender equality in this country," because we don't. I will not be silent when I face harrassment daily just for being a woman. I will not be silent when I cannot walk to my car alone and feel safe. But you tell me "it's just words," when you joke. You tell me it means nothing. And I will not be silent for the atrocities women face across the globe. So I will not be silent about gender equality. And I will not be silent about your racist humor. I will not be silent when your comments encourage harmful stereotypes. I will not be silent as you marginalize an entire group of people. Or even just an individual. I will not be silent as you discuss others lives. As you decide they "just didn't work hard enough," or "they need another job." I will not be silent as you pity them and then judge them all in the same breath. I will not be silent when you discuss this over Starbucks then go home to your warm house. I will not be silent when your candidate poses a serious threat to peace and equality. I will not be silent when you ignore an absence of empathy. I will not be silent in order to "Respect your opinion" because your opinion is reckless. It's harmful. It's dangerous. I will not be silent about the things that matter. So tell me to be quiet. Tell me to shut up. Tell me to go home. Tell me to lighten up. Please. As people are dying from hunger, war, injustice everyday, tell me to lighten up. And to let it go. Because wouldn't the world be a happier place if we all just mind our own business. "Would things be easier if there was a right way? Honey, there is no right way. " To quote Hozier, "there's an art to life's distractions." Make time for what makes your soul happy. Make time for what refreshes you. Make time for things, Make time for activities. Make time for people. Find people who make you laugh. The ones who bring you joy. The ones who make you happy to be alive. Find the people that you miss. Find the ones you want to waste your afternoons with. Find the ones you want to listen to music with. Or the ones you want to watch movies and eat snacks with. Find the people that make you feel less alone, and find the things that bring your heart joy. And make time for them. It is worth it. It will always be worth it. When life gets overwhelming, who do you want to call? Call them. When you've had a long day, who is it you want to be with? Go to them. When you're at work daydreaming, what is it you're thinking about? Do it. We all have things in our lives worth working for. We have goals and dreams. We have careers and ambitions. But we also know there's something else out there - something that brings our soul peace. And our careers aren't bad. Heck, we probably like them at least somedays. But it's not the same. When you think of your perfect Saturday, what are you doing? We have families and friends. We have partners and loved ones. We have those we love having conversations with, those we love lying next to, those we love having adventures with. Sometimes, they're all the same person. When you think of your perfect Saturday, who are you with? We need to fill our lives with perfect Saturdays. We need them on the weekends, we need them on Tuesdays, we need them on Mondays, we need them often. Even if it's just in moments. Even if it's taking 30 minutes to read a chapter of your new book. Or an hour to enjoy a ncie run outside. Or a phone call. Or a movie. Or a nap. Let's find our Saturdays, and intentionally make time for them. We all need a few more hours in bookstores, or drinking coffee with friends, or getting some fresh air. We all need more hand holding, and belly laughs. We need to fill our lives with perfect Saturdays. And we need to share them. Our souls are at peace when our loved ones souls are at peace. So let's promise to make time for them whenever we can. Let's promise to do the things that renew you. Let's promise to spend time with those who bring us life. And let's promise to be that person to others. Let's be Saturdays to others, not Wednesdays, and certainly not Mondays. Life is already full of Mondays without us being them too. Because it's tough out there. We could all use a few more Saturdays. I love October. I really do. October brings pumpkins, chilly nights, chili, cozy nights in, and scary movies. It brings some of my fondest memories growing up, and a feeling of comfort as you cuddle up in a sweatshirt and blanket. This year October brings trips to Los Angeles to see my boyfriend and friends who I've missed dearly. It brings friend's weddings, and another trip home to to see my family. But it also brings mid-terms. It brings tests, and papers, and pressure. It brings lots of coffee and stressful nights. It brings hard work and maybe some stress tears (okay, definitely some stress tears. Already.).
In seasons of life like these, I'm very clearly reminded of my weaknesses - as student, yes, but mainly as a Christian. As someone who claims to put all of their trust in God, and find their identity through Christ alone, I do seem to stress a lot. Growing up in the church, you're constantly told things like, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..." (Colossians 3:15), and "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:27) and "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still," (Exodus 14:14). And those are just a few. Through out the entire bible the Lord is calling us to trust in Him. But it's more than trust, He is calling us to rest in Him. And that is where I find my difficulty. Tough emotional time? Sure, I can trust God. Can't find a job? Yep, it'll be alright. But when it comes to things that are affected by how hard I work (my grades, for example) I just can't seem to get it right. I'm constantly torn between work work work and "you need to rest, it will be okay." And usually the "work work work" side wins, and morphs into "Stress stress stress." And I can't figure out just how I am supposed to be resting in God, when I know that my effort directly impacts my outcome. Last night I was journaling and this thought just kept coming to my mind. This struggle between, do I find my identity in my success or God? Are they mutually exclusive? What is this balance and how can I rest when I have so much to do? So I journaled and I prayed, and eventually fell asleep without coming to the answer to these questions. And this morning I almost didn't go to church. "I have too much to do," I told myself. But I heard a little voice inside me saying, "Go, Rebecca. Trust me." So I rolled myself out of bed, already an hour behind schedule, pulled my hair back and went on to church. I was happy to be there, sure, but I had so much to do... I kept thinking I should have just stayed home. And then the pastor's wife gets on stage, and she is about to pray for us but before she does she stops and says, "I feel like some of you in here need rest. You've forgotten what it means to rest in God, and I pray that you find it." And I looked up, and just sat there, knowing that was meant for me. So we prayed, and throughout the morning worship and prayer a thought kept coming to me - "humble yourself before the Lord, that is how you find rest." And so I prayed for humility, I prayed for a heart that sees God before all, through all, and in all. I prayed for guidance on humbling myself before the Lord. Though I am still learning what this means, I know that it is what God wanted me to hear. At the end of the day, it isn't my grades that are important. It isn't my success that is important. It is that God is glorified, and He is when we work with all of our hearts for Him. The bible even says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if you were working for the Lord, not for human masters," (Colossians 3:23). And there was my answer, "humble yourself before the Lord, Rebecca. Work for His glory, not your own." My prayer is that I can keep my heart focused on this truth as I enter this stressful season, and that you can as well - whatever it is that you're going through that is causing you to lose rest. Because when the disciples were on the boat with Jesus, and it was storming and they cried out to Him, "Lord, help us we're going to drown," He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" (Matthew 8:26). He will never let us drown. Yes, it's 90 degrees outside at the end of September. Yes, it is unusually hot. Yes, I'm ready for cooler weather too.
Glad we got that out of the way. It's no secret it's hot outside. Even if you never left AC to know this, you would know just by the sheer number of people talking about it. In fact, it seems like it's all anyone is talking about lately. And don't get me wrong, I want to drink coffee, wear a sweater and boots, and bundle up by a bonfire as much as the next person, but I really think we need to find something new to talk about. Sitting here, eating a biscuit with some apple butter I just got at the apple orchard, drinking some hot tea thinking about... how much I complain. Why is it that we can never be happy? Things could be going 99% right in our lives, and we would still fixate on that 1% that's wrong. And hey, guilty as charged. I am the queen of this. But I don't want to be. When I pictured how this year would go for me, it was a little different than the way it looks right now. And I can stop there. I can think about this for days, weeks, even. And I can feel sorry for myself because I didn't get everything that I want. Or I can sit here and say, yeah, maybe not everything in my life is perfect, but overall, things are looking pretty good. I'm making good connections, I'm doing well in my classes, I'm getting to experience things I never thought I would. I got to go home this weekend to see my family, and my heart jumped for joy. I had been counting down the days, at times unable to sleep out of excitement. To say I can get a bit homesick would be an understatement. And I get home, and I'm picking apples, one of my favorite activities in the world, and suddenly I am overcome by sadness. Because I have to leave again. I got to see one of my best friends and have a great time with her, but saying goodbye was so hard it almost made me forget how happy I just was. All of this to say, sometimes our complaints are valid. Sometimes our hearts ache. Sometimes we feel a little hopeless, or overwhelmed, or alone. That's real. That's so so real. The problem becomes when we fixate on it. Whether it be how much you're ready for a cool breeze or how much your soul longs for something you can't have quite yet - we are letting what we don't have take away our attention from all that we do have and rob us of our joy. And it's time we put an end to it. So, I invite you to enter a season of gratitude with me. I wish I could say I knew just how to do this. I wish I could say it's simple. But I don't and it's not. And I definitely can't tell you what your season of gratitude looks like, I don't know your heart - only you can figure that out. And I'll figure mine out. What tends to rob me of my joy is the fact that I have some trouble being patient with God. When I want something I want it now, and I need it now, and if I don't get it now then we are going to have some trouble. But that's not how God works. Sometimes he says wait. Always he says, "Trust Me." "And we know that in all ways God works for the good of those who love Him." Romans 8:28 Empowered by this truth, I am entering my season of gratitude full of trust. And I am going to show it by keeping a log of all the things I am grateful for - one a day. Today, it's the fact that I have a family and home to miss. How will you enter your season of gratitude? What will it look like for you? We have 3 months exactly until Christmas, let's teach our hearts to wake with gratefulness and fall asleep with hope. Let's cultivate a culture of gratitude. The thing about following your dreams is, sometimes you have to leave people behind. Sitting here, I can't even count on two hands the number of people I love I live so far away from. I have great friends in over 5 states, more than three countries, and my family lives about 600 miles away (granted, this is definitely an upgrade from last year's number of 1900 miles, but still). I knew I'd be leaving family and friends when I chose to do AmeriCorps in Los Angeles, and again when I got accepted to school in Atlanta. What I didn't know, however, was that in LA I would meet the most wonderful guy, spend months exploring, watching movies, and laughing with him, start a relationship with him... and then leave him.
Don't get me wrong, my heart and soul ache for the distance between me and my friends and my family. But there's something about long distance relationships that is its own kind of difficult. Not in a million years did I think this is what my life would be like at this point. I wasn't looking for it, but that's the funny thing about when life gives us the greatest things, right? It's always when we're not looking for them. Long distance relationships are a lot of things, as anyone who has been in one can tell you. They're lots of lonely movie nights. They're days exploring wishing you could share it with the other person. They're looking for people to grab dinner with, or go to a movie with, because your everyday-things partner is so far away. They're sitting on the phone in silence because you don't know what to talk about, but you don't want to hang up. They're a lot of finding out who you are when you're alone, even though you aren't. But they're not all bad. They're also laughs and long phone calls. They're quick "just thinking about you" texts at your most stressful times of the day. They're learning to appreciate the time you have with one another. They're learning how to love on a deeper level, because your partner isn't there to hug or tease, or share your french fries with. (On that note, they're also not having to share your food so that aint so bad). When I was faced with the decision on if I wanted to continue the new relationship from 2200 miles away, I thought, what a crazy idea. I thought, how will that work? I thought, wow, how lonely that sounds. But... I also thought, if you don't love someone enough to love them when you can't be together... do you really love them at all? And I have no regrets. Being in a long distance relationship is finding what works for you and your partner. It's making time for eachother when you're living separate lives. It's day dreaming and missing eachother. It's forming a connection unlike any other. It's counting down the days until you can be together. It's fighting for someone you love. It's learning to put yourself to the side, and love the other person the best you can. It's your chace to not miss out on the person that belongs in your life. It's its own special adventure. And I'm thankful to have found someone to share this adventure with. |
AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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