"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place."
I journal every day - be it in the form of a prayer, or just thoughts, every day I write. I write my feelings, and hopes, fears, anxieties, opinions, all of it. The beautiful thing about this is the reflection it provides - a time to reflect in the present, but also a time to visit the previous year. Looking through my journal entries from this year let me see how I've grown, and the rollercoasters of emotions I have been on. But it's also let me see a common trend I've been writing about and feeling all year, and I know if I visited last year's journal I would see the same - restlessness. Always wanting something else. Not necessarily more, just different. If I'm here I want to be there, if I'm there I want to be here. My heart finds peace only in fleeting moments, and always returns to its wandering state. Now, of course, this isn't always bad. In fact, when I read the quote above it really resonated with me, and wrote it in my journal, after a long night of missing people and places I love - And in my journal I responded to it - "How blessed I am to have such a beautiful dilemma." Because that's what it is - it's beautiful. How rich you are, not in money or goods, if you have experiences and felt love. How blessed you are if you have traveled and fallen in love with so many friendships, coffee shops, and places. How lucky you are if you have something to reflect on and be filled with joyful nostalgia about. We all get to this place in our lives at some point, I'm sure of it. When things aren't easy, or fun, or going the way you wish they would, it's an easy trap to fall into. How easy it is to sit and complain about our current circumstances, and think back to nights in the desert, and mornings spent with friends, when in reality if you truly looked back you would remember: that night in the desert is when you decided you don't like the desert, and those mornings and days you look so fondly back on were actually filled with long walks carrying heavy groceries and spraying bug spray all over the house to get rid of the ants infestation. (Of course, these truths for me are metaphors for you, but you get the point). There is beauty in our memories, and that is what we choose to remember. Because maybe the desert was hot and sweaty and you had to use a toilet in the ground, but the view was spectacular, unlike anything you've ever seen. And maybe you had ants on your counter but you got to complain about them with your best friends, and come up with clever ways to take care of it. There is beauty in our memories, but that's not all there is. My point is this - it's far too easy to look back and long for what was, forgetting about the struggle you had then too. It's far too easy to say those days were better, and be blind to the blessings you have now. It's far too easy to wish for days past, and take for granted your days now. It's far too easy to be disappointed with our circumstance, and forget that one day these might be the days you'll look back on with nostalgia. This holiday season let us not get trapped in this vicious cycle of discontent, but instead appreciate your past and your memories, show love to those you miss, and build new memories, not taking for granted the abundant blessings the Lord has bestowed upon you right now.
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To my best friend since day one, to my number one fan, and warmest hug,
To the woman who is never too busy to talk to me, even though she's heard my story a million times. To the one who hugs me so tight at the airport when I come home I tear up; to the biggest smile I ever see. To the one who taught me the importance of coming home, but that it's okay to leave to follow my dreams. To the woman who never stops believing in me, the one who always chooses to see the best in me, even when I can't see it myself. To the woman who always knows what I need to hear to make me feel better, but also know when I may need to hear the harsher truth. To the one who has always been ready to hop in the car, go to Starbucks and drive around with me when I need a safe space to process my feelings. To the one who taught me how to be a good listener. To the woman who told me, "it's okay to cry," when I tried too hard to be strong. The one who reminds me my feelings are real, and it's important to feel them. To the woman who has shown me what love is. The one who always makes time for me, and invests her life in me. The one who makes sure I feel loved, and special, and worthy. The one who has made home my favorite place to be. To the one who knows how I take my coffee, and the foods I refuse to touch. To the one who always knows what to get me for my birthday, even when I don't ask. To the one who knows me better than I know myself sometimes. To the woman who has made me who I am. The one who has shown me how to smile through the sadness, and love through the hurt. The one who has been through all the heartbreaks and the joys, the friendships and the falling aparts, the nights when my heart was too heavy to move, and the days my dreams have come true. To the one who has taught me how to keep my heart open, everytime I was ready to close it off. To the woman who always supports my dreams, who always pushes me to dream a little bigger, aim a little higher, and always believes I can do it. To my mom - Thank you, for everything. I couldn't do it without you. I love you. Yes, it's 90 degrees outside at the end of September. Yes, it is unusually hot. Yes, I'm ready for cooler weather too.
Glad we got that out of the way. It's no secret it's hot outside. Even if you never left AC to know this, you would know just by the sheer number of people talking about it. In fact, it seems like it's all anyone is talking about lately. And don't get me wrong, I want to drink coffee, wear a sweater and boots, and bundle up by a bonfire as much as the next person, but I really think we need to find something new to talk about. Sitting here, eating a biscuit with some apple butter I just got at the apple orchard, drinking some hot tea thinking about... how much I complain. Why is it that we can never be happy? Things could be going 99% right in our lives, and we would still fixate on that 1% that's wrong. And hey, guilty as charged. I am the queen of this. But I don't want to be. When I pictured how this year would go for me, it was a little different than the way it looks right now. And I can stop there. I can think about this for days, weeks, even. And I can feel sorry for myself because I didn't get everything that I want. Or I can sit here and say, yeah, maybe not everything in my life is perfect, but overall, things are looking pretty good. I'm making good connections, I'm doing well in my classes, I'm getting to experience things I never thought I would. I got to go home this weekend to see my family, and my heart jumped for joy. I had been counting down the days, at times unable to sleep out of excitement. To say I can get a bit homesick would be an understatement. And I get home, and I'm picking apples, one of my favorite activities in the world, and suddenly I am overcome by sadness. Because I have to leave again. I got to see one of my best friends and have a great time with her, but saying goodbye was so hard it almost made me forget how happy I just was. All of this to say, sometimes our complaints are valid. Sometimes our hearts ache. Sometimes we feel a little hopeless, or overwhelmed, or alone. That's real. That's so so real. The problem becomes when we fixate on it. Whether it be how much you're ready for a cool breeze or how much your soul longs for something you can't have quite yet - we are letting what we don't have take away our attention from all that we do have and rob us of our joy. And it's time we put an end to it. So, I invite you to enter a season of gratitude with me. I wish I could say I knew just how to do this. I wish I could say it's simple. But I don't and it's not. And I definitely can't tell you what your season of gratitude looks like, I don't know your heart - only you can figure that out. And I'll figure mine out. What tends to rob me of my joy is the fact that I have some trouble being patient with God. When I want something I want it now, and I need it now, and if I don't get it now then we are going to have some trouble. But that's not how God works. Sometimes he says wait. Always he says, "Trust Me." "And we know that in all ways God works for the good of those who love Him." Romans 8:28 Empowered by this truth, I am entering my season of gratitude full of trust. And I am going to show it by keeping a log of all the things I am grateful for - one a day. Today, it's the fact that I have a family and home to miss. How will you enter your season of gratitude? What will it look like for you? We have 3 months exactly until Christmas, let's teach our hearts to wake with gratefulness and fall asleep with hope. Let's cultivate a culture of gratitude. |
AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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