I once read a quote that said: "that which you are most afraid to write, write that."
Well... this is that. There are a few topics I have some ideas about, but I can't bring myself to write just to write. I write because I have something to say. I write because I feel things, and I feel the need to share them. I write because my heart feels everything deeply... everything, and it needs an outlet. And this is it. I have lost a lot of relationships in my life - romantic, or otherwise. A lot of friendships have fallen apart, or drifted away. There are people I thought I could count on that let me down, and I know there are people that thought they could count on me, only to be let down. There are chapters in my life that have closed because I wanted them to, and others that were shut in my face. There have been things I wanted and people I've missed so deeply I could feel it in my bones. There are people I have hurt, and people who have hurt me. There are times I have been selfish, and others I have been giving. There are times I have been serious, and others I have just been having fun. I know, though, that no one's heart is an object to just have fun with. No one's heart deserves to be toyed with, including mine. While many relationships have ended, very few have ended explosively. Most have simply faded. Others... just weren't right. I have been reflecting on this quite a bit recently. I am grateful for the ones I love, and those who love me. We, as a culture, do not appreciate this enough. We do not appreciate time we have together enough, until we no longer have it. We do not appreciate the power of kind words until we no longer receive them. We do not appreciate the laughter, the love, the hugs until they fade away. Upon reflection, these are a few lessons I have learned from my broken relationships. 1. Be kind. 2. Let things go. 3. Linger. 4. Get off your phone. 5. Make time to do things. They are simple lessons. They are simple actions. But they are not ones we do. We are quick to pick fights when others don't see things our way. We are quick to get angry when our high expectations aren't met, and quick to forget the other person is just a person too. We are quick to hold on to this anger, and lose hours of time because of it. The energy we spend being angry is energy we cannot spend loving. The two cannot exist together. We are quick to be annoyed when someone acts differently than we do. We are quick to be irritated when someone cannot read our mind. We are quick to assume we are right. We always assume we are right. Sometimes we are. But the energy we spend being angry is energy we cannot spend loving. The two cannot exist together. We are quick to rush off, to do the next thing. We are quick to pay our bill and go to the movies. We are quick to clean the kitchen after a meal. We are quick to hang up the phone when the conversation runs dry. Linger a little longer next time. There is beauty in just being. There is joy in staying to finish your coffee. There is peace in stillness. We are quick to assume we will have time later to be together. That's the problem - we always think we have time. We spend our time together apart, with our heads in our phones. We lose so much time together even when we are together. We lose conversations. We lose time to linger. We lose that time. The worst part is, we choose to lose that time. We choose our phones over our loved ones. We are quick to assume we will have time later to be together. That's the problem - we always think we have time. We do not make an effort to experience things together. Life is made of experiences, and we actively choose not to pursue them. We miss out on memories to talk about for a life time. We must be intentional about making these memories. They are the glue that holds us. They are our reference point when things are going south. We are quick to assume we will have time later to be together. That's the problem - we always think we have time. We must love our loved ones. We must be intentional about loving our loved ones. Too many relationships end. Too many people fade away. Too many hearts break. We must love our loved ones.
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If you're going to love her, love her well.
Learn things about her. Learn everything about her. Learn how she takes her coffee, and her favorite treat. Learn her favorite books, and movies, and learn why. Learn her favorite weekend activities, and learn how to enjoy them too. Learn what she needs when she's sad. If it's touch, embrace her. If it's space, let her be. Learn how to know, before she has to say a word. Because, I promise you, there are ways to know. Know that her heart is beautiful, but also fragile. Know that your words will linger, both for the better and, at times, for the worst. Know that she pays attention, even when she is stubbornly pretending she isn't. Know that she is always trying, always striving to love you better, though it can be difficult to see past herself some times. Do not forget this, when things get hard. Do not forget that she is human, too - a beautiful, strong, loving human, who too has insecurities. Learn the insecurities, and I plead of you, never use them to your advantage. Know what it is that wakes her up in the middle of the night - a stomach full of knots and eyes full of tears. Know how to soothe her, but most importantly, know how to never be the reason why. Her heart makes her special. You know that. Don't forget that. She knows you're special too. Above all, put grace first. Grace for her, grace for eachother, grace for yourself. Your grace honors your Creator - the source of perfect love. Long for this, strive for this, live for this. You cannot half love somebody. You are either in or you are out. To invest partially is a disservice to yourself and your partner. Half-love is a disgrace - a recipe for pain and disaster. So if you're going to love her, love her well. Though she can't promise to always love you perfectly either, know that she will always try. I've always been one to feel things - to feel everything. Deeply. I've always been one to have a profound sense of right and wrong, and an inability to look past it. I've always been sensitive, and I've often been sorry for it. There are ways I have been made to feel because of this - by the world, by people I know, by my inner voice. But those negative things, they're just not true. So this is a letter to the girls like me - these are the words I would say to you. Dear girl, Lovely lovely girl. May you never feel sorry for your emotions. May you never wish them away. There will be days when your heart breaks and heals 100 times, maybe more. There will be days when the world and all of its happenings will feel crippling. There will be days when those who love you hurt you, though they may not have meant to. There will be days when your tears need to be free, or your laugh longs to light up the room. Your life may feel like a rollercoaster of emotions - embrace it. It's beautiful. When you miss your friends so much you cry, what a profound statement of love. When your heart aches for burdens that are not yours to bear, how lovely that is. Your emotions do not make you weak. Your sensitivities are nothing to be ashamed of. They are to be envied. Others would be so lucky to feel things as you and I do. For we know the utter joy a day of sunshine can bring, the warmth and comfort of a rainy morning, and the complete heartbreak of loss. It may not seem as though it is a blessing to feel all things so deeply, but believe me it is. When your heart breaks often, it is only a sign that it is always so full of love. And that is strength. Others will not understand, they will not appreciate how strong you are - but you are. They do not know the tragedy your heart feels when someone walks away, or you experience loss. They do not know how, though, you are completely broken, you always choose to love again. Always choose to love again. Because you know this - life without love is unbearable. So you choose love. And because you choose love, you inevitably open yourself to disappointment and hurt. How beautiful it it you always choose love. There will be days when you are too much for people - you're too "sensitive," you "take things too personally," you are just "being silly." Don't listen to them. Never, I repeat, never, let anyone stop you from feeling the way you feel. Feel everything, don't run from it. Though the world may view your emotions as weakness, you know that it is passion. Though others may think you are too sensitive as you cry for the homeless, the broken, the needy, you know it is empathy. Though they may tell you to "get over it," you know that it is love. Everything you feel adds up to love. The joy, the sadness, the anger, the passion, it all comes down to love. And though the world may not see it that way, you know that it is true. You are special, lovely girl. Though your heart may break, you love again - and that is something to be proud of. So please, I beg of you, never be sorry for how you feel. When you are too much for people for people to carry, know that you are strong enough to carry yourself. Your passion will lead you to great things - no great thing was ever accomplished without it. So embrace it. Love it. Learn to live with it, live through it, live for it. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Though others may not see it, your heart is beautiful. And so are you. With a deep, and sincere love, Rebecca To my best friend since day one, to my number one fan, and warmest hug,
To the woman who is never too busy to talk to me, even though she's heard my story a million times. To the one who hugs me so tight at the airport when I come home I tear up; to the biggest smile I ever see. To the one who taught me the importance of coming home, but that it's okay to leave to follow my dreams. To the woman who never stops believing in me, the one who always chooses to see the best in me, even when I can't see it myself. To the woman who always knows what I need to hear to make me feel better, but also know when I may need to hear the harsher truth. To the one who has always been ready to hop in the car, go to Starbucks and drive around with me when I need a safe space to process my feelings. To the one who taught me how to be a good listener. To the woman who told me, "it's okay to cry," when I tried too hard to be strong. The one who reminds me my feelings are real, and it's important to feel them. To the woman who has shown me what love is. The one who always makes time for me, and invests her life in me. The one who makes sure I feel loved, and special, and worthy. The one who has made home my favorite place to be. To the one who knows how I take my coffee, and the foods I refuse to touch. To the one who always knows what to get me for my birthday, even when I don't ask. To the one who knows me better than I know myself sometimes. To the woman who has made me who I am. The one who has shown me how to smile through the sadness, and love through the hurt. The one who has been through all the heartbreaks and the joys, the friendships and the falling aparts, the nights when my heart was too heavy to move, and the days my dreams have come true. To the one who has taught me how to keep my heart open, everytime I was ready to close it off. To the woman who always supports my dreams, who always pushes me to dream a little bigger, aim a little higher, and always believes I can do it. To my mom - Thank you, for everything. I couldn't do it without you. I love you. "Would things be easier if there was a right way? Honey, there is no right way. " To quote Hozier, "there's an art to life's distractions." Make time for what makes your soul happy. Make time for what refreshes you. Make time for things, Make time for activities. Make time for people. Find people who make you laugh. The ones who bring you joy. The ones who make you happy to be alive. Find the people that you miss. Find the ones you want to waste your afternoons with. Find the ones you want to listen to music with. Or the ones you want to watch movies and eat snacks with. Find the people that make you feel less alone, and find the things that bring your heart joy. And make time for them. It is worth it. It will always be worth it. When life gets overwhelming, who do you want to call? Call them. When you've had a long day, who is it you want to be with? Go to them. When you're at work daydreaming, what is it you're thinking about? Do it. We all have things in our lives worth working for. We have goals and dreams. We have careers and ambitions. But we also know there's something else out there - something that brings our soul peace. And our careers aren't bad. Heck, we probably like them at least somedays. But it's not the same. When you think of your perfect Saturday, what are you doing? We have families and friends. We have partners and loved ones. We have those we love having conversations with, those we love lying next to, those we love having adventures with. Sometimes, they're all the same person. When you think of your perfect Saturday, who are you with? We need to fill our lives with perfect Saturdays. We need them on the weekends, we need them on Tuesdays, we need them on Mondays, we need them often. Even if it's just in moments. Even if it's taking 30 minutes to read a chapter of your new book. Or an hour to enjoy a ncie run outside. Or a phone call. Or a movie. Or a nap. Let's find our Saturdays, and intentionally make time for them. We all need a few more hours in bookstores, or drinking coffee with friends, or getting some fresh air. We all need more hand holding, and belly laughs. We need to fill our lives with perfect Saturdays. And we need to share them. Our souls are at peace when our loved ones souls are at peace. So let's promise to make time for them whenever we can. Let's promise to do the things that renew you. Let's promise to spend time with those who bring us life. And let's promise to be that person to others. Let's be Saturdays to others, not Wednesdays, and certainly not Mondays. Life is already full of Mondays without us being them too. Because it's tough out there. We could all use a few more Saturdays. Yes, it's 90 degrees outside at the end of September. Yes, it is unusually hot. Yes, I'm ready for cooler weather too.
Glad we got that out of the way. It's no secret it's hot outside. Even if you never left AC to know this, you would know just by the sheer number of people talking about it. In fact, it seems like it's all anyone is talking about lately. And don't get me wrong, I want to drink coffee, wear a sweater and boots, and bundle up by a bonfire as much as the next person, but I really think we need to find something new to talk about. Sitting here, eating a biscuit with some apple butter I just got at the apple orchard, drinking some hot tea thinking about... how much I complain. Why is it that we can never be happy? Things could be going 99% right in our lives, and we would still fixate on that 1% that's wrong. And hey, guilty as charged. I am the queen of this. But I don't want to be. When I pictured how this year would go for me, it was a little different than the way it looks right now. And I can stop there. I can think about this for days, weeks, even. And I can feel sorry for myself because I didn't get everything that I want. Or I can sit here and say, yeah, maybe not everything in my life is perfect, but overall, things are looking pretty good. I'm making good connections, I'm doing well in my classes, I'm getting to experience things I never thought I would. I got to go home this weekend to see my family, and my heart jumped for joy. I had been counting down the days, at times unable to sleep out of excitement. To say I can get a bit homesick would be an understatement. And I get home, and I'm picking apples, one of my favorite activities in the world, and suddenly I am overcome by sadness. Because I have to leave again. I got to see one of my best friends and have a great time with her, but saying goodbye was so hard it almost made me forget how happy I just was. All of this to say, sometimes our complaints are valid. Sometimes our hearts ache. Sometimes we feel a little hopeless, or overwhelmed, or alone. That's real. That's so so real. The problem becomes when we fixate on it. Whether it be how much you're ready for a cool breeze or how much your soul longs for something you can't have quite yet - we are letting what we don't have take away our attention from all that we do have and rob us of our joy. And it's time we put an end to it. So, I invite you to enter a season of gratitude with me. I wish I could say I knew just how to do this. I wish I could say it's simple. But I don't and it's not. And I definitely can't tell you what your season of gratitude looks like, I don't know your heart - only you can figure that out. And I'll figure mine out. What tends to rob me of my joy is the fact that I have some trouble being patient with God. When I want something I want it now, and I need it now, and if I don't get it now then we are going to have some trouble. But that's not how God works. Sometimes he says wait. Always he says, "Trust Me." "And we know that in all ways God works for the good of those who love Him." Romans 8:28 Empowered by this truth, I am entering my season of gratitude full of trust. And I am going to show it by keeping a log of all the things I am grateful for - one a day. Today, it's the fact that I have a family and home to miss. How will you enter your season of gratitude? What will it look like for you? We have 3 months exactly until Christmas, let's teach our hearts to wake with gratefulness and fall asleep with hope. Let's cultivate a culture of gratitude. The thing about following your dreams is, sometimes you have to leave people behind. Sitting here, I can't even count on two hands the number of people I love I live so far away from. I have great friends in over 5 states, more than three countries, and my family lives about 600 miles away (granted, this is definitely an upgrade from last year's number of 1900 miles, but still). I knew I'd be leaving family and friends when I chose to do AmeriCorps in Los Angeles, and again when I got accepted to school in Atlanta. What I didn't know, however, was that in LA I would meet the most wonderful guy, spend months exploring, watching movies, and laughing with him, start a relationship with him... and then leave him.
Don't get me wrong, my heart and soul ache for the distance between me and my friends and my family. But there's something about long distance relationships that is its own kind of difficult. Not in a million years did I think this is what my life would be like at this point. I wasn't looking for it, but that's the funny thing about when life gives us the greatest things, right? It's always when we're not looking for them. Long distance relationships are a lot of things, as anyone who has been in one can tell you. They're lots of lonely movie nights. They're days exploring wishing you could share it with the other person. They're looking for people to grab dinner with, or go to a movie with, because your everyday-things partner is so far away. They're sitting on the phone in silence because you don't know what to talk about, but you don't want to hang up. They're a lot of finding out who you are when you're alone, even though you aren't. But they're not all bad. They're also laughs and long phone calls. They're quick "just thinking about you" texts at your most stressful times of the day. They're learning to appreciate the time you have with one another. They're learning how to love on a deeper level, because your partner isn't there to hug or tease, or share your french fries with. (On that note, they're also not having to share your food so that aint so bad). When I was faced with the decision on if I wanted to continue the new relationship from 2200 miles away, I thought, what a crazy idea. I thought, how will that work? I thought, wow, how lonely that sounds. But... I also thought, if you don't love someone enough to love them when you can't be together... do you really love them at all? And I have no regrets. Being in a long distance relationship is finding what works for you and your partner. It's making time for eachother when you're living separate lives. It's day dreaming and missing eachother. It's forming a connection unlike any other. It's counting down the days until you can be together. It's fighting for someone you love. It's learning to put yourself to the side, and love the other person the best you can. It's your chace to not miss out on the person that belongs in your life. It's its own special adventure. And I'm thankful to have found someone to share this adventure with. I moved to Atlanta about a month ago to begin my journey in graduate school. Except my grandmother, who is graciously letting me live with her, I didn't know a soul. Fast forward a few weeks, I've made some friends. Well, a couple friends, but hey that's better than none! They're in graduate school with me, and honestly I am beyond thankful to have found them. That's for a couple of reasons - for one, it's nice to have people to explore with. And for two, to be honest, they make my crazy seem, well, a little less crazy.
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AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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