I've always felt a lot of pressure to be perfect - to say the right thing, to do the right thing... as if God's glory deoended on me, depended on my perfect choices. Because of this, when I mess up, when I say things I shouldn't, when I get caught up in situations a "good Christian" should not get caught up in, it can be crushing ... especially when grace feels nowhere to be found.
I always preach about giving others grace to grow, but seem to have forgotten a few things: 1. I, too, need grace to grow. 2. I already have that grace, even when I cannot find it in the people around me. 3. If I had to earn it, it would not be grace. My lack of grace for myself became apparent in the face of some very painful rejections, and has been eating at my heart since. When faced with this rejection, suddenly all I could hear was this: "You are not ------ enough." Day in and day out. Not good enough. Not nice enough. Not worth enough. Not Christian enough. When all I valued about myself no longer seemed enough, I lost my sense of self; too easily swayed, not rooted in God's steadfastness. And so, I did what anyone would do: I tried to earn that grace and approval I needed, and when that did not work, I tried to pretend I did not care. Months of back and forth followed. Between frequently asking my sweet and patient friend if she thought I was "a good Christian" (thank GOD for girlfriends!) And doing insincere but Christ-like acts of service, to simply giving up and giving in to choices on the opposite side of the spectrum, my heart was, and is, exhausted. But here is the thing, grace and worth found in flawed humans will never be enough... but you do not need it. One time before I did my "good Christian deed of the day," my sweet and patient friend called me out. She said, "don't do this just to prove you are a Christian, we all already know you are." I did it anyway. It did not make me feel any better. It did not bring the grace I was looking for, and it did not silence the voice in my head replaying my mistakes and telling me I am not who I thought I was. My friend was right - I did not need to do my deed to show my faith, because my faith is who I am... it is intrinsic to me. Bob Goff once wrote, "when we are more concerned with what our faith looks like than what it is, it is no longer faith. It is theatre." And I am so grateful that God does not show up for my show. He does not sit in the front row, buy me flowers and applaud me for a job well done. He does not like my show, and He does not need to come to see what I am trying to prove I am - He already knows who I am. Through Jesus, He gave me grace, "a new life" (See: Romans), in which I am called to walk boldly and "live in the freedom of God." It is not a freedom to do whatever I want, but a freedom to mess up sometimes and still receive "aggressive forgiveness." A freedom to still feel worth in the face of worldly rejection. A freedom to live and swim in a sea of endless love.
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AuthorHello! I'm Becca -humanitarian, caffeine addict, lover of books, people, and all things Jesus. You can find me in my pajamas, day dreaming about rainy days and saving the world. Archives
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